00032. Starting Over???

01/22/2010

xxx

My whole life has been one battle after another.

What you all know if just the surface. I need to let go of so many things to move on.
Here is a list of everything This is where I let it Go. This is where the tears stop! It's time! For Jaiden's sake... and my own!

Letting Go Of.....

1. the fact that my father told me at the age of 12 he never wanted me.
2. The fact that at the age of 7 my father told me we were gonna lose our home & it was basically my fault
3. the fact that my parents were drug addicts
4. the fact that my dad was an alcoholic
5. the fact that my parent's beat the shyt out of each other
6. the fact that i ruined my relationship with my brother Nick
7. the fact that i dropped out of school
8. that fact that I had consensual sex which turned into something not so consensual
9. the fact that i don't know my sisters all that great
10. the fact that i clearly didn't do what my parents wanted
11. the fact that i can't please my parents
12. the fact that that AA didn't help my parents marriage
13. the fact that my father with always be a drunk
14. the fact that no matter what, my mom will always be picking a fight with someone
15. the fact that i don't need to seek my fathers approval
16. the fact the I can't remember my child hood
17. the fact that my mother had lied to me for 7 years about our house
18. the fact that my step dad just cant understand what it is to be a parent
19. of the abuse I had to watch
20. of the fact my father pulled a gun out on a neighbor
21. of all the embarrassing moments my parents left me with then they were drunk and stoned
22. the fact my child is no accepted by all in this pathetic family
23. the fact that Kurt & i are over for good!!

I'm sure there is more then 23 things that i wanna let go of. but at 11 30 at night this is all i can come up with!!

I want to change, i need to change! i need to get back to the person I know I am and the person I know I can be!!! This is my time! This is my life and its not about how my mom feels or if she likes my choices. I didn't screw up!! I made mistakes and i'm learning from them!! That's all, But i didn't screw up! Jaiden is the best thing that ever happened to me!! And as much as i wish i could change the crap in my life... i wouldn't, i would never go back and change anything, i would never risk losing Jaiden!!!

I have had my own wake up call. I requested info on getting my GED without the classes, just study at home and go take the test! i wanna go get my finical aid figured out and I wanna go back to school. a real school, nothing online cuz i'm lazy and as everyone can see i don't do the medically billing schooling i should be doing.

I have no idea how i am going to do this considering I really dont have a place to live in a month. I am hoping i can talk to nick about stay there and making some kind of deal with him, like if i m in school and stay in school!! i dont want to interrupt his life.. but hes the only place i really have to go.... if not, then im screwed cuz i wont have anywhere to go... But i cant think about it right now. I need to take this one day at a time!!!

This feels right!!! This is about the only thing that has felt right to me in a long time!!! My whole life i did what everyone else wanted!!! I think a year and a half ago that if someone would of let me move in with them and let me stay for free and get the chance to go back to school id be a year in half a head of what i am now. Dead end jobs arent gonna get me anywhere!!!

This is something I need!!! This is something I want. For the first time since jaiden has been born... i'm going to do something I want. No matter what i need to do!!! Im scared for sure!! If i need to move out of PA then so be it!! I need to stick to my own yellow brick road, and no one Else's. This is my life, this is my path!!! I will find a way!!

There are so many more things i could but on the list but thats the major ones!!! they are the ones that eat at me! the ones that i cant sleep over. But i am letting go!! I am moving on! & i will follow my yellow brick road to no tomorrow!! This is my life, which makes this my path, my journey, my story! No one else's

Special Message To God: Please forgive me!! For everything that I have ever done wrong! For everything I have said about you! I didn't believe in you, and with all honesty you can't blame me! But I always believed you would never give any single person more then they can handle! I will always stick by that! You can build as many brick walls you want, but you can't slow me down! I will face whatever it is you throw my way! No matter what it is!

If you read this whole thing..... you rock!!!

♥Amanda