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Things just aren't going right anymore
Image & CSS made by Amanda♥
So here I was thinking "okay good John has a job, now I can quit mine until I have the baby and we'll be alright" HA NOTHING ever goes right for me! First our car went on the fritz...it was acting like it'd blown a head gasket but a few days later it just started working right again all of a sudden! We checked the thermostat, put a new water pump in it and everything so we still don't know what exactly went wrong! Anyway so at the time we were having to get John a ride to and from work..problem was that John's boss was a dick and didn't want him there early, nor did he want John to sit there until a ride could come pick him up so we were faced with having to find John a ride that could get him there exactly on time then after wards John would have to walk towards home until whoever was picking him up reached him! And since they never got off of work at the same time from day to day there was no way for a ride to be sitting there waiting for him at the end of the day.
So last Tuesday John's boss calls and tells John that he needed to be at work the next morning by 4:30 am! Of course I was all for it convinced that I would be able to find him a ride and so forth...John however had different plans. He was literally on the verge of tears, refused to call anyone to come get him so early and started talking about how he missed his family so much while he was out on the job. Obviously he was simply having an extreme anxiety attack about the whole thing. Well I held out on forcing him to keep his job until he picked up Isabel (our daughter) and burst into tears. I know deep down that should have been stone-hearted because John needed to work but I just couldn't take seeing the man I loved in such inner turmoil so I told him to do what he thought was best! I had hoped deep down that John would make the right decision and go into work the next morning, but when I woke up he was still laying in the bed! Needless to say he quit his job! Now we have ABSOLUTELY no income! That night I cried myself into a frenzy, terrified about what we were going to do about rent and power etc... He of course held me tight and promised me that everything would work out...but I know the words were hollow gestures of good faith! I love John but his is an optimist of the worst kind, the kind that believes that everything will just fall into place to our advantage. I've kept silent about it since then, but inside I am a churning mess of ill feelings and fear! I don't know where we'll go if we lose our home, or what we'll do if the power gets turned off. Two days ago it snowed down here, so we simply cannot survive without our power even for one day! If it were just John and myself yeah maybe we could handle it, but we have a 10 month old child to think of...not to mention the fact that I'm pregnant!
Now I know what you are probably thinking...that John's a bum right? Although it sounds like I'm just another pathetic girl that must stand up for her man no matter how wrong he is I can assure you i am NOT that kind of girl! I see John's flaws, I live daily with the realization that the man I chose has not fully matured! But there are two types of men in this world, there are the men that can learn a lesson a million times yet glean nothing from it...then there are the men who make a dumbass decision look back, panic, realize what they've done and learn from it. John's biggest problem is that he has never had to take care of a family of his own! The closest he's ever been to this sort of thing was when he took care of his brothers after his father went to jail. But then he had the financial support of almost every other family member he had. Now he's faced with a situation where there is no help, there is no going to the nearest relative and going "ooppss I messed up" and believe you me John is starting to panic under the realization of what he's done to this family. THAT is the reason that I've been quiet about what happened...he's beating himself up enough!
Regardless of how bad he feels, or how determined he is to fix it the fact remains that for the time being we are in real trouble! I talked to a family friend of ours that owns a very small family business selling wood and he's supposed to give John a little bit of work starting Monday...but the job is on commission and pays approximately $65 dollars A WEEK!! But at least that $65 dollars will put gas in the car, which John can use to look for a real job and Barry (the family friend) is lenient enough to allow John any time he needs off to look for another job. He also allows as many breaks as are needed as long as there isn't a lot of work laying around needing to be done! So it's a good opportunity but like I said before it's not going to keep us afloat. In fact we are sinking quickly and so far we haven't been able to locate a life boat!
Other than that I had to let my laptop go back to the rental place we were getting it from. Hence the fact that it's been so long since I've updated! I LOVED that laptop and I mourn it daily, but we will have to pay $364 dollars to get it back and at this point that is never going to happen. John kind of hurt me on that front too because even though we did not have the money to pay what we had to to keep it (half the 364) instead of saving money so we could get it back he went out to HIS rental place (different than mine) and rto-ed an X-Box 360 and a 10 mega pixel camera. The camera was supposedly a gift for me to help me get over my laptop but I would have much rather had John save that money and get my laptop back. He thinks I'm being crazy about my laptop but I worked hard on the payments I made on that thing and only had a couple months worth of payments left before it was mine!
Ugh but I hate bitching about John so much, it makes it sound like I don't love him or like he's bad to me. The fact is that John is NOT responsible when it comes to money but he is a wonderful fiance and an extremely loving father...money is NOT everything and is not enough to make me leave him. He is kind and loving to me, treats me like I'm a princess and tries his best to make up for the mistakes he makes. Which is way more than I can say for anybody else I've been with! He's a good man, he's just got to learn what having a family entails...I know that he's capable of being everything we need him to be..but like I said before he's got a lot of lessons he's still got to learn on his own!
Other than him...theres my mom...for those of you who don't know my mom is mentally handicapped. She has whats called schizoaffective disorder its sort of like schizophrenia only WAY worse...she's on SSI and the whole nine yards. Either way it is a very hard disorder to live with...right now she is on another of her suicide kicks where she's talking about how much she wants to die! Right now it's because she got her first SSI check and spent the whole thing faster than she wanted to...she says that she cannot control herself and there for doesn't want to live. She's not really in the danger zone at this point...even though for you it probably sounds very bad. But believe me this case is as mild as the cases get, I've seen the bad ones and believe me you don't even want me to try and recap what happens then! Still its very stressful, constantly worrying that I'm going to get a phone call that she's back in the mental hospital or worse. Her boyfriend I told you about that went nuts and started threatening everybody is at this moment in the hospital for a year going through DTs due to alcoholism and of course she blames herself for that too. How she gets his drinking problem, which he's had for many years, is her fault I'll never know but thats the way she thinks! Like if you call her and say "we've got company so you may want to wait to come over till tomorrow," she immediately says that she has been banned from the house forever. Thats just the way it goes, so like I said it's hard to deal with!
Anyway I think I've bitched enough for one night lol...don't worry we'll be fine...I'll be fine...everything will be fine...It just doesn't feel like it right now! It's hard when all your plans and dreams are smashed in one day. I really wanted to get out of this hell hole (move I mean) that is probably the biggest disappointment afforded me by John quitting his job. But like I said I'm done bitching for the time being. I'll update again as soon as I'm able, but I can't promise that it'll be every day, with one computer and a fiance that loves computer games there is no telling when I'll be able to get back on! So until then I'm outtie caio and Blessed Be!
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ryc: Thanks, I think my little guy is quite handsome myself! Haha. Hes a great baby!