Have I mentioned.....That Christmas and I are not on good terms?
I suppose I could always take my MIL advice, said to me in the early years of my marriage, when I was spending most of my Christmases in the psych hospital, "If you feel like crying, go in the other room and cry, but don't show the boys your tears, it will ruin the holiday for them."
In all liklihood, she meant that in the nicest way possible. Seriously just thinking about her grandsons. But, if there is one thing that I dislike more than Christmas, it is FAKING!!!!
So, I tried to enjoy the holidays when the boys were younger. Didn't work. And guess what? The boys STILL like the holidays!! So, my mood didn't "ruin" them.
Now that they are getting older, 14 and 17, I don't have to "like" it at all. So, I'm a grinch. So what, that's me, deal with it. Or don't come near me. Totally your choice. I don't "foist" myself on people and ask them to accept me - I ask them to accept me if they "foist" themselves on me.
No Christmas tree this year. I haven't put one up for the past 4 or 5 years. It's always been the husband and the kid's "thing". Nobody feels like doing it this year. So, less of a reminder for me. Less of a mess for hubby.
And you know what? I'm probably going to have moments of wishing that it was there. And actually crying because it's not. But those are those unresolved feelings of revulsion that I have rolling around in my head - they WILL get tamed.
And now that I have made myself sound like a jerk, I'm off to take my meds and make revisions on my novel.
(BTW, I'm really NOT a jerk, I have REASONS for the way that I feel about Christmas. But I own them. They are mine.)
And damn those carols!! As much as I don't want to, I'm gonna find myself humming them all of the time! Which can quickly turn into tears, not sure why, I am a VERY complex person, I know!!
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