i should warn you, things you're feeling, aren't normal now. | 11/20/2011 |
For the first time, ever, I was able to walk away and not feel like I should've stayed. I was able to pick my heart up from the floor and walk away. Truly walk away. I don't know what changed or why I was suddenly able to do so, but I did. Maybe it was his tweet. He said, "you. Only. Live. Once." If he believes that, if I believe that, if everyone believes that, something would've happened by now. He wouldn't want to waste time trying to figure things or deciding whether or not I'm worth it, he'd take the risk. He'd take the chance. He didn't, and I don't think he will.
If I think about it, he's been pulling away from me for awhile now. He rarely texts me anymore and he never calls. He just couldn't be a man about it and tell me to back off, to leave him alone, to give up. Instead he wanted to leave me hanging, waiting, hoping. He wouldn't reject me. He basically refused to reject me, but it isn't like he came running into my open arms either. He still keeps me at a distance. He still doesn't embrace me like he used to. He probably doesn't care anymore, if he ever actually did. Thinking things like that used to bother me. I used to want to do everything in my power to convince him I was worth it, that he should care, that I matter, I don't anymore. He doesn't have to care or think I matter or want me to be worth it. I'm better off without him, regardless of how my heart feels or what it's thinking, I'm going to let my brain think and make my decisions. My brain says ending this, letting it go is the right thing. Is what I need to do. Is what I should've been doing for a year now. He doesn't want to love me. He's never going to love me. And he's never going to think I'm worth taking a risk on. I know that now. I accept it.
He's turned into another Exclamation Point though. He's going to be the one I compare everyone to. He's going to be the one that I'm going to want at the end of the day, but just have to remember he doesn't want me. He's what I want to find under my tree on Christmas Day and who I want to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve, but I'm never going to get those things. I know it. I accept it. It is was it is, even though I want what it wasn't.
Shannon
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