because there's nothing that i wouldn't do to hold on to you.

09/13/2011

I often wonder why I do the things I do. Why I say the things I say. Why I act the way I act. I often wonder what it would be like to not be a mess inside my head and my heart. What would be like to just be, and accept things the way that they're delivered. Accept that people are going to hate and love me. I often wonder what it would be like if I didn't push away the people that I want to hold close. What it would be like if I just let them care, if I accepted the fact that they care. I wish I could make people understand that I don't mean to do the things I do or say the things I say. Make them understand that they idea of me trusting and caring about them is more terrifying than anything else I will ever do in my life, because as soon as you trust someone, as soon as you care about someone, you give them the power to hurt you. To destroy you. I often wonder what it would be like if I could find the positive in trusting and caring about someone. I wonder if life would be easier or I wonder if my heart would hurt more often. I often wonder what it would be like if someone took the time to try and understand where I'm coming from. I'm not saying excuse my behavior, my outburst, my moodiness, I'm just wondering what would happen if they took a moment to understand where those things come from.

Fear. I believe I do the majority of the things I do out of fear. Fear of losing someone, fear of not being good enough, fear of being loved. Fear of fear itself. I wonder what it would be like if I could conquer my fear(s). I wonder what it would be like to have someone on my side to help me conquer my fear(s). Someone who wouldn't leave just because I became complicated or moody or distant. I wonder what it would be like to have someone fight for me. I often wonder what it would be like to not feel so alone.

Shannon

classic layouts