you had a lot of moments that didn't last forever. | 11/03/2011 |
I never pictured myself being that girl with the boyfriend who could just hang out with me and my parents and watch television. I never pictured myself being that girl with the boyfriend who was just as close to family as he was me. I never pictured myself being that girl with the boyfriend who fit so well, it was like he was the missing piece to my puzzle. I saw all of that with him though. I didn't mean to. I didn't plan to either. It just happened. One day he was just my friend, the next day he was some boy who could be my friend with benefits, and the following day he was the one that fit, the one that seemed to belong, the one that I was missing. He creeped up on me. He surprised me. I had never wanted to share my secrets with someone so much before. I never wanted someone to understand, to get me, so much before. I wanted to be me, the bad and the good and the ugly and the beautiful, and I wanted him to know me. I wanted him to want to know me. I didn't hide. I didn't pretend to be things I wasn't. I was all my imperfections and all my best attempts. It was everything I never thought I wanted. It was everything I never thought I needed. And now, it's the one thing I'm having the hardest time letting go of.
I never really had him. I never really had us. I never really had anything I wanted. It was all just an idea, a hope, really. It was never solidified. It never became anything. It always just was what it wasn't. I liked the nothing that we were, at least most of the time I did. Our nothing was sometimes so perfect that I actually believed we'd one day be something. Something brilliant and broken and perfect and erratic. I know that's a lot to put into something that never was, and maybe I'm crazy for doing so, but it doesn't change how I felt, how I feel. After all, feelings aren't rational, they don't make sense. They're unpredictable, hard to manage, impossible to control.
I know we would've been beautiful. I know we would've been ugly. I know we would've been perfect and a complete mess.
Would've. Could've. Should've. But weren't.
Shannon
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