I am wearing a collar.
Which could be revoked at any moment.
None of this is a surprise.
And one must assume the pain is from the idea of loss more than anything at this point.
He hasn't been gone long enough for the missing to hurt this much.
I don't need a girl, don't need a friend
'Cause my friend Lonesome's unconditional
We're flying forever bored
For a moment I love everything that I see and think and feel
I love my broken side view mirror
'Cause it's so perfect, I'm so perfect, you're so perfect
You're not here
I feel the changing gears
I had a productive day.
Large amused parts of me wonder if this will be a trend.
Something, something, emptiness.
I had a good moment, while waiting through a broken computer system to change my government ID addresses, where a tiny little french girl made friends with me, nearly against my will.
Except I'm never loathe to make friends with a three year old.
(((I am sitting here, loading the same Zelda file over and over, teaching myself to throw bombs.)))
She pulled my hair, and we started playing a game of "No, I didn't, what are you talking about I was sleeping on mom.
So that was fun. Since her mom was right there, I felt it safe to graduating to poking back, instead of just playing the "What, who did that?" part.
Mom said, when I left, that she said we were friends. I told Mom to tell her that she'd made my wait far more fun and thank you.
---
I cannot keep my brain together.
I checked off everyone on my "must see before I leave" list.
Some more poorly than others.
I really do have good friends. I need to not forget that.
I'm trying to get my OSAP together.
Dad's talking about going back on his "if money is the only thing stopping you, don't worry" statement, and without mom and dad's help I can't do this. OSAP will pay a good chunk, but not enough and not soon enough.
I had one day, just one, where I was up at seven and to bed by midnight, like a normal person.
I've been sleeping the last two to recover.
And I think I can go to school?!
And I desperately need people to shut the fuck up about that person they know with something childhood education related who couldn't get a job.
This is all I got.
And my dad is morphing back into my father, and I don't know why, and part of me is glad because I was worried about dementia, and the other part of me is cursing him out for everyone involved.
I'm tired. I just want to be able to take care of myself, and I'm so scared.
I keep trying to be brave.
But I'm still crying myself to sleep tonight.
Shit. This is ridiculous. Friday was a good day, and I wanted to write it down happy.
And I still can't figure out how to throw bombs right.
When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.
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