I keep coming over and thinking I have loads i want to write about, and then not being able to get any of it out. I've felt too vulnerable and exposed with this public forum. I'm not sure I can take more criticism than I'm already receiving from all angles in my real life.
Leeds was good - but Phil made it really awkward for me, I guess he didn't understand at all and thought I was just playing hard to get. He kept trying to hold my hand, kiss me... he was spooning me at one point and I just couldn't bear it... and at the same time I was too confused and scared to put him right - I needed him to get me home again, I wished more and more I'd had one of my own friends there, because it was like if I pissed him off and he left me, I'd be screwed. I hate feeling out of control like that. I should have sorted my own travel and known not to rely on him. I missed all of Kings of Leon because I had to go and cry. It was horrible. It was just too claustrophobic. After I came home, I told him again that I don't want to be anything more than his friend, and that meant no hand holding, no kissing, and definitely definitely no spooning, and he went a bit mental for a few days, but everything seems ok now. I hate being the bad guy.
Rich... is doing well. Really well, actually - I'm not frightened when I see him anymore. He's not magically the same person he was before, of course, but I can see hints of it now - he's not as shut off. Warmth shines through. He talks a lot more coherently, which is fantastic - he was getting so frustrated with being unable to explain himself, which was a contributing factor to his self harm - frustration at himself... which is understandable, it must be infuriating to know what it is you want and need but when you open your mouth it comes out all wrong and you just can't... get yourself out again.
We've had a lot of long conversations. I never wanted to push him on anything, just be there and wait and see what it is he wants and needs right now. He wants me to wait for him. And... I'm going to. This is where all the criticism comes in - I keep being told that he doesn't know what he wants, don't waste me time, don't get my hopes up, he's not even gay etc etc... but I've made my mind up. He's not a child, he's not deranged, he might have some problems right now but he's still Richey, he's still someone I love and care about with all my heart.
Maybe he doesn't know what he wants right now - but I know that the thought of me going off with someone else hurts him (and yes, I know he hurt me many times in that way, but it's different, he was out of control). I don't feel like it's wasting my time - I don't want anyone else right now. I'm happy to wait. If I wait, and it turns out he didn't know what he wanted and he's not gay and he doesn't want me... then of course, it will hurt, but at least I'll know then. It's better than running off on a rebound with some guy and missing the chance to even know if we could ever have worked it out. I'm willing to give him the time to heal and figure it out. I'm not in a ruish to get with anyone else, it's not like that. I know that people just care about me and don't want to see me crushed, but I know what I'm doing. I know that his disorder is for life, and I know he'll never be the easiest person in the world to be with... I do, I really do know that. But I love him, I don't know how else I can express it. I just love him.
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