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all.is.vanity's Diary
by all.is.vanity

previous entry: 10 people survey.

next entry: I'm not your star.

destroying the evidence.

06/10/2009

I miss him.

Not the drama, not the anxiety, not the fear... it's lovely knowing that he's safe and looked after without me... it stops me worrying at work, worrying when he's not here, worrying when he is here but is acting odd... I just miss having someone around. It's so quiet it's creepy.

I suppose I've been missing him for a lot longer, though - even if he was physically here, making noise and taking up space, it's been a long time since he was actually present. I miss the friend who knew all our secret little jokes, the friend I could sit in silence with and just feel content, not worried about what he was thinking. I think he's still there, somewhere, buried under a pile of misery.

I went into the room, took away the razorblades, the bloodsoaked bedsheets - they're going in the bin - I should have replacements somewhere - I know there are a few tricks to getting it out, but really, I'm not some skivvy, I don't even know why I'm doing this much. I just... don't want him to get all this rest and come back and be instantly reminded of what went down. Plus, his mam was going to come pick up some things, and I didn't want to shock her anymore than she already has been.

I took the alcohol, didn't pour it out, just moved it away. I didn't bother doing anything to the cigarettes, it's not like it'll help. Really, as much as I hate it, the smoking is the least of my worries.

I've been just... keeping back, giving him space. Finding a balance between abandoning him and smothering him - he knows I care, of course.

I went to bed at 9.30pm - everything just built up and I couldn't keep my eyes open. He text me just before midnight, and it was like being pulled out of deep water, I gasped and shot up. I'd forgotten how early I'd gone to bed. It just said 'nos da' (Welsh for good night), which made me smile fondly. Even if it woke me up, and now I might not get back to sleep! No, no... I think I will... I can feel my eyes drooping as I type, eager for a few more hours - good to know I have over seven, and I've already slept three! Yes, I could definitely sleep again.

previous entry: 10 people survey.

next entry: I'm not your star.

0 likes, 4 comments

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*hugs* i was wondering if you missed him. that's clearly a dumb thing to wonder though, i knew you would. it's good that he txt you - he cares. i know he does. *HUGS* sorry i missed you earlier. *whines* i'll comment/msg you when i'm in CO. x x x x♥Lacy

[ღMonsoonStar|0 likes] [|reply]

It was a good idea to clean up that stuff for when/if he comes back. I really hope he's getting a lot of help. You are a good friend. He does care about you, and love you very much. I could always see that. He's just very troubled; much more troubled than I thought, actually. I knew he was troubled, but - to be honest - A LOT of people I know go through these same exact things and I've seen it before. I did not think that it would come to that point so quickly. Although I feel slightly like an idiot for not suggesting that you help him before...he never would have accepted help without something like this happening - something so tragic and so dramatic and so serious that he HAD to take notice of what he's doing to himself. I do not know what all demons he is suffering from, but I am praying for him very deeply, and he is very lucky to have an angel like you in his life. We should all be so lucky. I don't have one myself, but that's probably because I'm usually that person; usually the strong one for everyone else with nobody to turn to when it's my turn to break down. I do not know if you have anyone to turn to now that you're going through all of this, but you have a few of us here that would gladly help you. You are truly a good person.

[~*Jodi*~Star|0 likes] [|reply]

ryc: lol - you know people tell me I'm funny when I'm bitchy. and some say cute (but you couldn't say that cuz you're an ocean away) but you know my ex's used to make me mad on purpose b/c they thought it was cute. I did not think it was very cute or funny to piss me off. lol.

[~*Jodi*~Star|0 likes] [|reply]

Oh, I don't think that the majority want to join the irish state either - I know its all very muddled and confusing. I study a lot of irish history on my own, (obsesivly haha). I like that quote, and it was very true! but I suppose it was only just in the last decade or two they've actually come into a place where they needn't go to England to look for those things - despite how long they've actually been 'free'. I guess I was just saying that, geographically they would be sound. As they'd be joining a pre existing government - where as wales and Scotland would have to work their way up from the bottom.

I don't blame you for not wanting to change your accent and you shouldn't have to. Seems that in this day and age it shouldn't be a fucking issue but some people are just so close minded and awful that they can't see past the end of their nose.

Your degree is amazing. I wish I could go for a masters in that!! My entire life I've wanted to get my degree in English Literature and Journalism. I love writing. But I decided I should get a degree with more job opportunities. However, there are no job opportunities - and it seems an English Lit degree probably would have served me better. I'm thinking about transferring schools in order to change majors. I've an AAS in Criminal Justice and I'm working on my BS in Criminology. I just can't take it anymore. & i figure if i'm going to spend the time doing it, i might as well do it right , eh?

[Saoirse|+|SiochainStar|0 likes] [|reply]

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