I've been neglecting you.

11/23/2010

A couple of people asked me to update. It's not that I forgot you all! I guess I've just been busy. Weird, really, you'd think this was the time in my life I'd most need to keep a diary, but to be honest... I've been really happy, mostly.

First off - I got engaged! Chris proposed a couple of months ago now. I think despite the... unconventional situation we're in... we both see the value in making a commitment to each other, and feel like we're doing things the 'right' way. For us, I mean. We were both getting kind of... insecure. I always worried that he'd fall out of love with me once I started changing physically. He worried because he thought he always upset me - it wasn't that, it was just that I often had breakdowns in front of him, not caused by him in the slightest. You know like you can put a brave face on all day, then someone you love asks how are you and you just collapse into tears? Like that. Well, we just wanted to say... 'I'm in this for the long run. I'm not going anywhere. I've got your back. I want to share a life with you.'

This time last year, I was never getting married. I didn't know why anyone would want to. I always said I could never put up with a husband. That I'd never be able to relax, be myself, let them love me. I remember explaining to my mum... watching a stupid tv show, the woman was upset, and her husband was stroking her back to calm her down... and I said "see, like that there, I'd be like fuck off mate I'm upset stop pawing at me!!' She said, if I loved someone, it would be helping. I didn't know. I thought she was wrong.

One night, I was crying. About losing a few friends, about how people are starting to treat me differently, being unnatural around me, how scared I was, everything. And he was silent, and he reached out and made the same motion, running his hand up and down my arm, squeezing, stroking my hair.... and you know that lovely feeling when you were a kid and you were sick and you'd have your mummy comforting you? It felt as comforting as that. It was that exact moment when I realised I'd found my family.

Given our circumstances, this reallllyyyy isn't going to be a very straightforward marriage. Either, we wait until I'm legally female (I can apply once I've lived 2 years as a female) or get a civil partnership now, then dissolve it, then remarry as a woman. I don't know. I just don't know. We were going for the second option, but reading into it... it seems a lot more complicated than it has to be.

In other news, I've started HRT. It's been... interesting. I randomly cry a lot. It must be like constant pms. My chest hurts sometimes. I almost feel like implants would give my body a relief - like it's trying to burst some breasts from my chest but my stupid body's not quite understanding what's going on yet. I'd heard of people getting 'phantom breasts' before and thought they were just a bit loopy. I understand, now. It's a weird sensation.

I'm also getting electrolysis. Let's just say ouch.

Speech therapy is fine - I had a rather feminine voice to begin with, so that's made things easier.

Well, I'll write more later. I have loads more to say, but it's 1.19am and I'm really tired.

Nighty night xxx