I've never...

06/02/2009

Interesting party last night, that mostly consisted of us all playing 'have never' and reminising about our school days and such. James got really drunk on red wine, but he did take me to one side and go on about how he saw how thing Rich was, how he could see what I meant, even though he was putting on a bit of a front for the lads and that - well, a front until apparently he showed Gillian's fiance that he could stub cigarettes out on himself... I don't even... know anymore. How can he act like that is normal? Is he trying to shock people? A cry for help, I reckon - he's never been an attention seeker - he's never liked attention, he's never be loud or outgoing, he's always been... cripplingly shy, actually. He's not some over the top arsehole who would just do that to scare the poor lad. He's not. Or at least... he wasn't. It scares me, what must be going through his head... to do that in front of a stranger... I could cry, my heart... aches for him.

I tried to broach the subject today. "Simon was saying... something about burning yourself?" "Oh, it was nothing, I was just drunk, I don't know." I just gritted my teeth and looked at him, waiting for him to change that ridiculous excuse. "I don't know, ok? It seemed like a good idea at the time." I just sighed, knowing I should push it more, but seeing the pure panic in his eyes. Richey, Richey, Rich... what am I going to do about you?

James said that he would offer me to go stay with him for a week or something, but he's just moving so... can't, really.

It did get me thinking that I might go home to my parents for a week or so, clear my head. I'm quite scared to leave him, though. I know, it's not my responsibility to look after him, but no one else is going to do it. Of course, then I remembered my parents are on holiday... and I hardly want to call them up and ask if I can move in while they're away, because they'll worry about why and it will wreck their holiday. I don't know, I'll see how I'm feeling next week and maybe broach the subject with them when the return. I'd tell Rich it's not forever, and I'm not abandoning him, I just need... space to breathe.

He's been nice to me since the crying incident - none of his sneering, walking on eggshells a bit, I think. It was a bit of a hideous atmosphere yesterday, my eyes all blodshot, not able to eat I felt so sick - him, forced, nervous smiles and cups of tea. It was actually quite good that we had people coming round, to save us from suffocating. It really was a grin, truth be told. I needed the distraction.

edit - and now he's just tumbled in drunk with some slag. Turning the headphones up so I don't have to... know. I'm tempted to just go out there and say... 'he's gay, he had his cock in me the other day.' Or mention the fact I feel like my throat is closing up because he's probably given me fucking chlamydia or something, probably infected by half the fucking UK. Fucking bastard. I don't know if I'm angry, disappointed, upset, heartbroken, disgusted... I don't know. I don't know why the fuck I care, why I'm even still here. Let him kill himself, he obviously doesn't give a shit about himself or anyone else for that matter. I won't cry... I won't cry... I won't cry...