You're just somebody that I used to know. | 08/04/2009 |
I had tender feelings that you made hard
But it's your heart, not mine, that's scarred
So when I go home, I'll be happy to go
You're just somebody that I used to know
He calls at night, and half the time I don't even know what he's trying to say.
Something about a book he's reading - I've never heard of it. I find myself looking it up on amazon, just in case you're trying to tell me something that I'm not 'getting'.
A documentary on Sky Arts about van Gogh. Do you remember the museum in Amsterdam? The way I cried when I read his letters where he said he was a failure? You don't mention it, just talk so fast that I'm not sure what your point is - something about self-portraits, distorted images... I'm scared to ask, sometimes.
You don't need my help anymore
It's all now to you, there ain't no before
Now that you're big enough to run your own show
You're just somebody that I used to know
He wrecked his car driving into a wall. Was it an accident? He laughed at me. He fucking laughed, the heartless bastard. "It needs fifteen new parts, but they haven't got any new parts to fix me up."
I asked about the counselling. He went off on a tangent about how he has nothing to believe in. he doesn't believe in God, and human beings are human beings... you can't put your faith in them because they're always breakable. Maybe you could believe in yourself, then? "I don't really know who that is." Neither do I, anymore.
More and more I'm agreeing with his parents suggestion that he needs to go somewhere to get proper help. I'm not sure that he'd go willingly. He's so detached, sometimes, it's hard to know. Sometimes it's better when he breaks down, because I at least get a glimpse at my lost and scared friend, not this horrible stranger who takes his place sometimes. It's frightening that the clearest I ever see him is when he's having an episode. He's still there... I can't hate him, I only hate the situation.
I watched you deal in a dying day
And throw a living past away
So you can be sure that you're in control
You're just somebody that I used to know
Sometimes, I... want to walk away. I want to scream and swear and hit him and cry and run away from him as fast as I can. But then I remember, and I just want... to protect him from himself. But he's right, you can't put all your faith in a human being to save you - we aren't god. We can't fix it all.
He seems oddly obsessed with ideas of religion, at the moment. I think he's just looking for a way out. I've been desperate before and dropped to my knees, screaming to God for help. Not that anything has ever moved me or answered me, but I know how that can be... you hear so many people go on about being saved by God, and you get curious... I think it's like anything else, though - it's psychological. It gives people something to believe in, some hope, some light in the dark... doesn't matter that you're screaming to an empty sky, really. Except... it does, for him, right now.
I know you don't think you did me wrong
And I can't stay this mad for long
Keeping a hold of what you just let go
You're just somebody that I used to know.
I keep remembering the nurse at the hospital continually asking me how I was. It's exhausting. I feel... tired. This has been going on for too long. He can't keep going like this... and I can't keep going with him. In some ways, it's better than when he lived with me, at least - but at the same time, he's still slowly spiralling downwards... it's hard to watch someone you love go to that place, knowing that you can offer them you're hand but can't make them take it.
Lyrics by Elliot Smith.
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