butterflies don't lie (help i dont know what to do)

12/30/2009

I could tell my heart each time
it isn't love you're
just some guy
there's nothing there
and what I feel
is in my head
it isn't real
But I can't deny
can't even try
cuz I know inside
butterflies don't lie honestly i give up! i dont know what to do. my head is lost and my heart is confused. in my last entry i believe i was talking about how i was just gonna push my feelings aside and ignore what i feel because i dont want to complicate things. well i did for a like 2 weeks and i was doing fine up until last night. you see the guy that i have feelings for well his girl broke up with him to be with my brother and she finally made a decision and she chose my brother. thee guy i have feelings for doesnt know this yet and i dont have the heart to tell him that i know yet. he gave me the chance last night to tell him but i just couldnt. i didnt want to be the one who broke his heart. its bad enough that when she finally does tell him i will be the one who picks up the pieces to his shattered heart. he believes that they are gonna get back together but i know for a fact that arent. i just wish that she would tell him already instead of dealing with this whole mess. but the other problem is i got back with my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago. and i told myself that this is the guy i wanted to be with and just forget about this other guy. like i said everything was working out up until like last night. i told my boyfriend that i was working late and not to wait up for me but reality is i was with this other guy. yes i cheated on my boyfriend with him like i always do. and im a horrible person. but let me ask you something? have you ever had a strong feeling of knowing that your suppose to be with someone even though you tell your self he's no good for you and someone else is better to you but you just cant shake the feeling of knowing that this guy is the one that you want to be with forever? have you ever have a gut feeling that is deep down and its telling you that you belong with this guy? well thats how i feel. something inside of me is telling me that i belong with this guy and not my boyfriend. and its not just some random feelings like seeing a guy walk by you on the street and you say ooo hes hott. im talking about real feelings that i have had the past three years. ive been threw a lot with this guy. every time he gets his heart broken i am right there to pick up the broken pieces and help him put it back together. he knows how much i care for him. he knows all that i have told him many times before. told him last night too. he told me last night that if i wanted him to back off he would and we would be just strictly friends. i just stared at him. and he said thats what i thought. he then tells me that nothing between us will change unless i want them to. so i asked him what if he marries the girl he loves and i marry my boyfriend? he said nothing will change then either. now im not the type of girl who will cheat while marry that is just wrong. when you marry someone you have made a long lasting promise to your self and your other that you will be with him and him only. i bet your confused about me. well lets see if i can explain. in my case i dont feel really guilty about cheating on my boyfriend because im not married to him. i am 21 yrs old and allowed to have fun. but im not saying i dont feel bad for doing about it. cause i usually do feel bad and it takes me a couple of days to get over it but over time i have become numb to the feeling. within the last 2 years i have not fully committed myself to one guy. i just cant. its like my boyfriend i love him and all but i dont love everything and everything that he misses in a guy i find in someone else. and then its like im happy. like i said im a horrible horrible person and a girlfriend. but im young why be tied down to just one person. i dont know i barely even make any sense right now. my head is all over the place.

last night i had a great time with this guy. i felt like the whole world was at peace and nothing was wrong. it was a great night. i just wish my head and heart would come together and tell me what to do. he wants to hang out with me again tonight but i dont know about it. that means i would have to blow off my boyfriend again and i dont know if i can come up with any more excuses that wont make him think that im cheating on him. and i cant be honest about it to him because it would just break his heart and would screw everything up. so many ppl would get hurt and it would mess everything up...

what should i do????

gotta get ready for work.....

help!


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