Runawayso i just dont know how much longer of doing this i can handle. my heart is saying one thing and my head is saying another...which do i listen to??
my head: telling me not to say anything to this other guy (read first entry) and just to help him get back with his girl and help him deal with what he is going threw.
my heart: telling me to tell him the truth and how i really feel about him. tell him that i am in love with him and the only person i wanna be with is him. i want to tell him so much how much i care about him and how i love being around him.
the conflict: im a hypocrite. i tell everyone to always follow their hearts, that everything will be ok as long as you follow your heart. but its not that simple. lately i have been listening to my head because its more simpler and less problems that way. i told this guy how i felt about 3 years ago when i start to developed these feelings but he told me that his heart belong to someone else and suggested that we should just be friends. then about a year ago he told me that he kinda wishes that he gave "us" a chance but it would just make so many damn problems with everyone. i told him i was ready to give up all my friendships just to be with him. i was willing to throw everything away to be with him. but he just tells me that he cant. and now he was a 1 yr old with my best friends sister. i try and try to shake these feelings away that i have and just suppress them and try to ignore them but i just cant do it any more. and now that him and his girl broke up i have been getting my hopes up to actually have a chance with him. but every time i think there is a slightest chance between me and him things shift and spiral down a black hole. just when everything is about to get good again nothing turns out good for me. every time i see him i just want to cry in his arms and tell him everything. but i dont have the courage to do it for the fear that he will just disappear from my life again. and i dont want that. it was hard last year when he did that. i broke up with my own boyfriend, a guy who truly cares for me and wanted to be with me and i just ended it without telling him because i thought there was a chance between me and this other guy. but apparently not. i tried to show him that i was willing to give up a great guy that was always there for me and shit for him and he never accepted it. it took me some time to move on from him and it was so much easier because he disappeared from my life for a while and i ended up getting back with my boyfriend and things were great. until recently. now he is back in my life and these feelings have came back and i even broke up with my boyfriend once again because its not fair to him that im with him but yet have feelings for someone else. i never told him the real reason why i broke up with him and he still is asking me and its been a month now. but i just cant tell him the truth because it will kill him inside and would cause huge problems with a lot of people.
i wish: i just wish that either he never walked into my life and i never had met him or that other people didnt have to matter in this. but its never gonna happen and i have come to reality with that. but what am i suppose to do. im falling back in love with him and its making me weaker than ever. i havent even been my self lately. barely hang with friends or leave my house. all i do is go to work come home stay up all night on my computer cause i cant sleep and then go back to work the following day. some times he comes over and we spend the night together but its not good for me. by him being her with me sometimes just makes things worse and i just cant do it any more but i also dont want to stop hanging out with him. whi cant life just be so much easier than this. why cant it be me that he really wants to be with. we are good together. i forgave him for breaking my heart last year but him breaking my heart again i dont think i could last threw it again. im trying to be strong but i just dunno what to do...
getting away: at this moment in my life i just wanna runaway from it all. i just wanna go somewhere where no one knows me or knows anyone that has been in my life. i tried telling this guy that he should get away from things for a night too, tried hinting that me and him should just go away for the night and not think about anyone or anything and just be with each other. i would love that soooo much but i highly doubt it. because we could of had that last night cause i finally got my house to my self last night and i asked him to spend the night with me because i felt scared being by my self and he said he would probably but never showed up or called or text me. why cant i just get what i want for once and be happy for once???? when is it my turn??? when will he realize that he belongs with me????
help: what should i do????? i need some input on this before i go nuts!!!!!
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