Why am I afraid to lose you when you're not even mine...so its the last day of 2009 and tomorrow will be 2010, wow! i cant believe how time has flown by. it just seems like only a few days ago i was in highschool back in 2006. and here it is now 4 years late. wow i cant believe that it will be 4 yrs since i graduated highschool. im getting old haha. anyways....
new years resolutions. normally i really dont pick one because i just end up break it. so this year is gonna be different. im not going to do new years resolutions. instead im going to come up with new years predictions. im gonna predict of what i want to happen in the new year coming. lets see...
1. loose a little weight...ok so thats like everyone goal in this world lol.
2. get the problem of my knee finally straighten out.
3. my dad and i will get better with conversations (i wish for that to happy every year, not like its gonna happen but i can dream)
4. see my little brother and grandmother more.
5. get out of finical deb...(hahahahahaha)
6. have a baby? (maybe im just crazy)
7. my heart will finally choose someone and stay with that person.
8. get the guy that i have feelings for to actually talk things out with me instead of disappearing)
9. try to be a better girlfriend
10. stay out of drama....(haha)
11. go back to school
i could keep going and going but whats the point considering that everything that i just mentioned above is not gonna happen. so i dont even know why i bother.....alll well..gotta keep my head up....
on other things....
im really getting tired of my job. its the same shit every day. i go into that hell 8 hrs a day 5 times a week or sometimes more and all that ever happens is for us CNA getting yelled at for something that isnt in our control and barely ever get recognize for the good stuff. i want to do something different but the same. i really am thinking seriously about going back to school and try to get my nurses licenses. i think it would be cool. lol.
lets see what else...
oh ya the big part of the day. can anyone guess what i did today?......if your thinking if that i blew off my boyfriend again and decied to hang out with the guy that i have feelings for....well....then.....your right. give your self a hug and a pat on the back for guessing wrong. speaking of wrong i really dont know whats wrong with me. i was talking to a couple of girls at work about my situation. one of them told me to listen to my heart while the other one told me that i need time to thinking about it and so doesnt the guy i have feelings for. she said that after the girl who he is in love with tells him that she doesnt want to be with him any longer and that she wants to be with my brother then he will be heart broken but to let him hit rock bottom and let him come to me when he figures out who he wants to be with...she said to me that he has the best of both worlds and i actually agreed with her on that. he has the guy hes in love with for all the emotional and public affections while he also has me in the background just to have sex with. now im not mad at my friend that said that. she just doesnt want to see me get hurt and i need to hear the reality of things once in a while, but see heres the screwed up part. i have best of both worlds too. i got a guy that is madly deeply in love with me and would do anything in this world for me and i also got the other guy that i like welll i got him for the sex and humor. sometimes i just wish that i could put these to guys together and they would just be one person. then i would be happy and everything will be a lot easier. but anyways. so once again i told my boyfriend a lie. this time i told him that i wasnt feeling good and that i was going to bed so he went to his friends house instead. but in reality i was at home with this other guy playing cards and talking then sleepin with him. im a horrible person....i even told one of my good friends at work that i wasnt gonna do that and that i was just gonna talk to him, but i guess in the back of my mind when i was saying that, i kind knew i was lying. i feel bad for lying to her but sometimes it seems like if i dont then she will judge me which in fact she really doesnt but i just feel that inside her head she does judge me and doesnt trust me sorta cause she knows what im doing. but i know this is all my paranoia kicking in cause all she is trying to do is sort this mess out.
i really wish i could sort this shit out and wish it was soon. its driving me nuts and its hurting people and not just me. but others to they just dont know it yet.
when im with this other guy my whole world is different. im happier but then again im depressed. but i feel my self being happier around him then my own boyfriend. i dont know its hard to explain.
but this entry is long enough and its already almost 530 in the morning and i need some sleep....its gonna be a long day....
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