Why does he try so hard?? but i fail?

OK so i had a diary here before and it really helped me by writing everything down that was going on. Well after not being on it for a few years i guess bloop deleted it. So i thought i would try again. This entry might be a long one where as i wanna update my life to where i am from 3 years ago.

Well first thing is first..im finally 21 years of age!!! about time lol. but yet i feel so much older. i have gone threw so much within the last 3 years. i finally moved out of my dads house which was hell. and back in with my mom. i love it with being with my mom. life is so much different then being with my dad. my father would always try to control my life telling me who i can date or hang out with and what time i had to be home when i was over the age of 18. he would try to control me by using my car against me that i was paying for. anyways i was happy to get away from him. i was self destructing (im a recovered self harm girl) and i just couldnt stand it any longer so i moved out and bought a new car. he wasnt thrilled but all well. we still to this day dont have a great relationship. we barely talk unless its threw text message saying happy birthday or telling me that my grandmother was in the hospital. i thought things were gonna change when he had his heart attack but no they didnt. it took him to be on his death bed to tell me he loved me. but after that he has nothing to say to me all because i moved out. i had to do what i had to do in order to save my life. but thats all in the past now and now im looking for the future. im with my mom and stepfather and couldnt be more happier to where i am living. we had a great relationship and i get to do what i want when i want how i want. as long as i let her know if im gonna be out all night. and i got a much better car now that i love and everything is great....

moving on....

ok so the drama....hmm where should i start...

well i was dating this guy for 2 years and i thought i loved him but now im not sure and i knew it wasnt fair to him for me to keep him hanging on so i let him go. he's not happy with it but for me i know i gotta do whats right. we have been threw so much together and it does suck not having someone around me to hold me at night and to talk to about my hopes and dreams. but it just seem like every time we were together we were either fighting or sleepin. and every time im around him i would get aggravated at him for no reason. and it just wasnt fair to him or to me. for being in a relationship where i wasnt happy in. dont get me wrong i love the guy and everything he was wonderful to me and all but im just not in love with him any longer. but it sure does suck not having someone to cuddle with at night and having someone to wake up to the next morning. but what i just dont get is why cant he just move on. he still is calling me and texting me saying he loves me and he misses me. but i just ignore it and move on with my day. he wants to talk about things but i really have nothing to say. he wants to hang out all the time but i just cant. i really dont know why either. i just cant get the reason why and its been bothering me since day one. he deserves so much better than me but yet he doesnt see it. how can someone be so much in love with someone but yet be so blinded at reality??? i just want him to move on and he doesnt understand the whole concept. im tryig to move on in my life but its like every time i do he keeps pulling me back. maybe if things were different with our relationship then i would know the reason why. we just never had the whole chemistry or romance in our relationship and that bothered me. i want passion and romance he doesnt know how. i tried helping him out but he just doesnt get it. plus hes all wrapped up with his own shit and i dont know how to help him with that. right before we got together hes mother had passed away and sometimes i feel like the only reason why he is so attached to me and why he loves me so much is because i was something he could hold on to after his mom died. like i was the one who was the shoulder he could cry on. and i didnt mind it at first but after 2 years he just kept leaning on me and i felt like i was being used. i might sound like a cold hearted bitch right now but its how i feel at this moment of time. he just way too stubborn for me and clinky. he would always have to know where i was and what i was doing and i couldnt handle that. i was trying to live my life with him but it just wasnt working out. i feel bad really i do. but every time i try to think about my mind wont let me. its like there is a wall inside of my head that i cant knock down.

speaking of guys....

there is another guy in my life that i feel like i might be falling in love with but he doesnt feel the same way and i know he doesnt. for the last 3 years this guy and i have been sleeping together on and off. its more on the idea of friends with benefits. (yes i was still sleepin with him when i was with my boyfriend....im a horrible girlfriend). but i want more but he doesnt. i just think there has to be something there between us for because we always end up going back to one another. i asked him the other day why we always go to back to each other and he didnt have an answer. you see its much more complicated then what im writing...i just have the fear that one of my friends might see this diary and then all hell will break out because no one knows what has been going on between us but i have to write it down and get it out of my head or im going to explode one day and it wont be pretty. well this guy is seeing my best friends sister actually they just broke up a few days ago because she is in love with my brother who is in jail ( i swear i want mtv to do a reality show based on my life) but he is still with her kinda cause they have a one yr old together. but i been getting mixed feelings from him. you see what he does is he'll be in my life for a few months and then disappear and i try to forget him but every time i just about to get over him he shows up again. he likes to play with my head. its like a game to him sometimes. i tried to tell him how i felt. i even broke up with my boyfriend a year ago to try to be with him but it never worked he said his heart belong to someone else. but if that was the case then why does he keep coming back to me, is he being a typical guy and just wants the physical stuff and not the emotional stuff?? or does he actually feel what i feel and just wont man up to it and tell me?? i know that a lot of my friends will disappear out of my life if me and him actually hooked up. and i was willing to do that and i am still willing to do that, im willing to let everyone go but is he? i think not. i just wanna know why he keeps coming back to me??? is there something there between us or not. i really need to know. like last week he spent the night with me for 2 nights. we had a blast and he told me the other day that being around me hes not afraid of being himself and not afraid of telling me things that he wont tell his own girlfriend....what does this all mean. im too scared to ask him for the fear of him disappearing from my life again. i dont want to let him go but i just know that if i actually sat him down and tried to talk to him he would say i dont know and get mad and leave and that will be the last time i hear from him. and i dont want that. i want to know what goes threw his mind of his and to be real with me just one time. but i know im setting myself up for a fall and i already fall so hard for him and he just doesnt see it. what should i do? should i walk away and try to forget about him or so i fight for him??? i have no clue. and its weighing me down. i dont know how much more of this i can go threw. i want him in my life but the pain is unbearable.

i could go on and on with this entry but im getting aggravated with the ex. he wont leave me be. i keep telling him that i am not ready to sit down and talk to him about what happen between us and i dont know if i ever will be ready. and i would tell him that i might be falling in love with this other guy but that will end up in a big mess that i aint ready for. no one can know about me and this other guy or it will cause so much drama between everyone and me and this guy dont want that. thats another reason why i dont think we will ever be together for real. but my ex keeps texting me asking me if its really over between us and how he doesnt want it to be. i dont know how else to tell him to move on without hurting him any more than he already is. i even told him the words "move on" but he keeps asking why and i dont want to get into it with him. i have a lot of stress going on with me right now and i cant add any more stress to what i have now.

im tired now so im gonna say good night the entry is long enough and i feel a little better now since i got a lot of things out and written out. maybe i could actually sleep tonight but i highly doubt it. i havent really been sleeping good. i have been staying up practically all night and not falling asleep till like 7 am and then sleep till 1pm and go to work at 3. and i cant take my sleeping pill for another two weeks because i might have liver damage due to medications that i have been on. so i have to stop all my meds for a month then get re tested for the liver. hopefully it will come back ok and i can take my sleeping pill....hopefully...i need sleep...

so good night all and thanks for reading some of the drama that has been going on in my life.....

till next time....

always and forever,
me