i thought this year would be different.
but it's washing over me the same way as it did before.
end of january.
february.
brutal.
like having a pillow shoved over my face.
can't breathe.
drowning in the dark.
alone.
i feel myself pulling away from everyone.
worst of all i feel myself pulling away from her.
& i love her.
it's that time of year again
where those same songs play on repeat in my head.
the ones written in minor chords
with the sad-but-true lyrics..
you know the ones i mean.
it's that time of year again
where i can run at the gym for hours
but can't escape.
where i can write words for pages
but can't get it out.
where i reach for that razor blade
to draw lines on my skin.
it numbs the dull throbbing
it tears apart my relationships
it sets me apart (in a bad way)
i know i'll get through it.
the spring will come.
the sun will burn away the black.
but for now the way i felt after that rape
resurfaces & lingers
courses through my bloodstream
suffocates my lungs.
for now i feel every molecule.
and count down the moments until march
& sunshine
& feeling okay again.
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