so i officially accepted California State University, Long Beach's offer and will be going out west in August to start the M.A. program in philosophy. they offered me a grad assistantship and i am incredibly thankful for this opportunity i have to go out there. it does make me kind of sad, though, that i have to leave all of the wonderful people that i've met here in nashville. i have, for the first time in my life, a group that really truly feels like family to me and has been there for me through some very tough self-discovery phases of my life in the past year and a half. i have also found and incredibly supportive network of people in the lgbt community here in nashville that i don't feel ready to leave. i adore my professors and i just recently got two different bartending jobs working for incredible managers with amazing people. it's hard to just leave that behind. but G.A. is a G.A. and i love philosophy and know i need to pursue it. i have 4 months left here and i want to soak up every damn minute of it before i make this journey. i want to let it seep into me through my skin, into my veins, pumping through my blood.
it's hard though, since i know i'm going to leave. it's hard to not have that in the back of my mind through all of my experiences. i don't know how to push it out of my mind. like today.. kate and dylan and bobby and i were in the car on a beautifully sunny day visiting the farm where our meat comes from for the restaurant i bartend at and we were talking and laughing and listening to some amazing music and letting the wind blow through our hair and lighting up and occasional cigarette. and i just met bobby and dylan. and i've come to love kate (my roommate) so much over the last few months. and we all had this great moment and it made me realize how much working at this place is going to be great. and as the sun hit my face and my red hair caught the wind at every angle, as the music and the airwaves in the car formed a harmony with our laughter, as i felt so damn aliveand felt that feeling where you never want to sleep because life is so fucking amazing and you never want to let it go and you want to live every moment to its fullest.. as i felt all of that part of me also was screaming "don't get attached to this. it's going to end soon. you're going to be leaving." and at that very moment i tried to push the thought away.
but i knew it was true.
and i'm excited for grad school and i'm making an effort to up my studies for the last month of college so that i can graduate with good grades and give my teachers the respect they deserve. and i'm thankful for all of the advice i've gotten about paving the way for future students from my school and about dedication and about time mangement and about not working while i'm in school, etc. etc. and i'm so excited. i know i can do this. but i wish i could take the beautiful people i've met here with me. i wish i could know that i would connect with people out there the way i connect with people here. i wish i could know that i'd feel the same amazing support in the lgbt community out there. i wish i could know everything was going to be great. but i guess that's part of life, right? we just never know and we have to go anyway.
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