stream of consciousness

11/27/2008

^{--warning, this might not all make sense--}

it's been beautiful here lately in california. rainy & cloudy. we hardly ever get days like these. it's refreshing & beautiful. as i drove up the 101 today i realized that there is nothing more amazing than being between the mountains & the ocean under a gray rainy sky. it was amazing. i didn't even mind the stopped traffic. i pulled the car over into the shoulder & jumped over the guardrail & got soaked by rain standing on the beach, gazing out over the dark water to the oil rigs that look like war ships that sat in a misty dark haze. & in santa barbara it was great to see my husky puppy.

i'm trying to still be friends with him. we lived together for over a year. i feel like at least the friendship should be salvaged. but it's hard sometimes. he was in one of those angry moods today & i ended up crying in the rice aisle at trader joe's. what other one of my friends leaves me crying at trader joe's? also, i love that i can do eyeliner well now, but it doesn't end well with tears. what am i doing wrong? why do things like that happen? but i stayed anyway because we already had all the ingredients for sushi. so i made it & it turned out great. i ate it with his mom & him but his sister didn't eat any because she's anorexic now. it's kind of sad. i like her & wish she didn't hate herself so much. but i can't tell her that because that's just now how things are.

& on the way home i listened to music & thought about leaving california & moving back home to nashville & how i have less than three weeks here. & i thought about the fact that it'd be sad when i leave but that i won't cry because my mom will be with me & i don't show my emotions around my family. i just can't. & so i cried. i cried right then and there. between the mountains & the ocean in the middle of the night. i cried for things i haven't let myself cry about. i cried for the relationship that ended over the summer. i didn't cry because i still want him. i cried because what i thought we had was perfect. what we really had was far from it. i cried for my lost dream. this was my dream. this. california. living by the ocean, in the sun with the palm trees. living life in the west. i've dreamed of this since i was a girl. & here i am, turning back to nashville. i'll admit it. i'm giving up. & it hurts. a lot. but i miss my friends & i don't like the school here. the people that i love are in tennessee. & what's california without the people that i love? i leaves an empty spot inside of me that's overflowing when i'm home. & even though i feel a sense of being somewhere familiar when i see the signs for Rose Ave & Point Mugu & Port Hueneme &Channel Islands Harbor, this isn't home. & that makes me sad.

so this is what it feels like to lose a dream. to feel it slipping through your fingers. to let it slip through your fingers. i guess there's always next time. i guess i could try again later in life. i don't know if i will. i don't know if i can. i know i'm still young. i know i still have a lot of life ahead of me. but right now this was the goal. & so what is my goal now? what do i want? where do i want to be? i feel so lost. & so i let myself cry these tears that i should have cried when i made this decision. i let myself feel the ache & the emptiness. & it sunk in. my throat hurt & my eyes watered. & my eyeliner became a mess. again. & it's not over. i can't feel this all at once. i can tell that it would be too much.

& i thought about things that i never want to think about on that drive home tonight. like what it would feel like if my parents died or if my friends died? what it would feel like if i never find another dream again. what it would feel like if i never find that love i thought i had before. what it will feel like to never see my husky puppy again. what it will feel like to leave california. what it will feel like when i'm really on my own. what it will feel like to spend thanksgiving with the exboyfriend who makes me cry at trader joe's & his divorced mother who still gets upset & his mother's boyfriend who is bald and only eats healthy foods and his sister who hates me & his sister who starves herself. what it will feel like to come home & have everything be different. what it will feel like to lose everything. what it feels like to lose my faith. my religion. love. dreams. what life feels like.
((it made me want to do something. ^anything.))
i know it's getting close to christmas. i usually love this time of year. but i'm not feeling it very much right now. it's hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time here.

i still miss my camera. i miss ^{the boy in new york}. i miss my familiy. i miss having thanksgiving with people who really love me. i miss feeling passionate about so many things. i miss the old me. i miss my old friends. i miss painting watercolors in the afternoons & getting PomTea at the produce place before yoga class.

& in a way i miss the days when i wasn't so alone.