I'm a bit dumbfounded at the moment and not sure if I'll be able to communicate what information I'm actually seeking, or... if I even know exactly what it is I want to know. Bare with me... I want "the answer" or "the cure". I want to know that everything will be ok for him. God, my heart is beating madly...
Background info for those who don't already know it (I think I've been pretty vague in previous entries anyway). My sub is a young man who from early childhood (three or four years old) through to his early teens has been a victim of abuse; physical verbal psychological emotional and sexual, at different periods of time, by different people who played different roles in his life. No, I don't ever name him in my entries. He has actively seeked out a D/s relationship (as in, BDSM, bondage/discipline, Dominance/submission, sado-masochism) since his mid-teens. I am his first long-term Dominant. He is my first submissive, although I myself have been a submissive to er... a few different men. 
By chance I came across this review tonight of a film called the Night Porter (1974), which is "about a concentration camp survivor who fatefully comes face to face with her ex-Nazi captor and lover". The IMDb entry is here http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071910/ and the review that I read can be found on its Amazon.com entry here http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0780022823/ref=cm_rdp_product
This is what the review said that struck me so hard and sent me in a horrible panic about the bigness of what he is dealing with and how worried I am for him and how fucking shit it is that anything ever happened to him because he is amazing, really, truly, amazing.
"For those who find the film to be exploitive or perverse (in an unrealistic way), please remember that we now know, as a result of so much information gathered regarding the sexuality of children who were abused during their formative years, that if a girl, young and inexperienced as Rampling's Lucia was when she was in the concentration camp, finds the right combination of emotional tenderness (as in Max's kissing of her wounded arm) and sexual stimulation/initiation, these experiences become so deeply imprinted as to be easily re-awakened in adulthood. After the intensity of such experiences, "normal" sexuality can seem dead and flat, not at all a match for the earlier times of dis-inhibtion. While this may be difficult and even offensive for those who have no similar touchstone of experience, psychologically it is accurate--frighteningly so--and "The Night Porter" shows us just how far it can go. When Lucia puts on the little girl's dress she's purchased, the image is jarring but sums up the truth of her stunted psychological and sexual development. We end up wondering whether she ever had a passionate moment with her oh-so-normal husband. With the experiences of the camp having been the most intense and indelible of her life, how could she not seek to re-create them? And how could Max, who despite his sadistic acts seems to have genuinely fallen in love with "his little girl," not fall backwards himself into the time when they were locked together in the deepest relationship of all--two people may never be closer than victim and torturer, completely dependent upon one another for the only human contact either has. Hence we see the Stockholm Syndrome constantly repeated, abused girls become abused women, etc. As Lucia says to a former Nazi doctor who comes to Max's apt. to check on the situation, "There is no cure." Whether one agrees or not, whether it is true for everyone or not, it is accepted as true by these two, and all their actions spring from this perception.
Liliana Cavani's precise and compassionate direction gives her characters the safety they needed (Rampling is astoundingly courageous in her no-holds-barred performance--most actresses would have run screaming from this role), and Bogarde is memorable as this strange combination of father/lover. Together the three create this dark and disturbing but deeply human story of damaged people who somehow find a way to live fully for a brief time before their end."
It at first concerned me when I learned of some of the things he had been subjected to throughout his life. It occurred to me that he was seeking to repeat the things that had been done. I didn't think it was healthy, but then I thought that if he needs to explore this aspect of his sexuality, it is best done in a safe environment where he has control and can say no (even though he has given almost all control to me, and never says no, ever, unless I've told him it's time for him to go home).
It seems to me that PERHAPS he has been repeatedly abused in part because of his eagerness to please, his "natural submissiveness" (if you are active in the BDSM community you probably know what I mean by that), his generous nature. So I don't know what comes first, the chicken or the egg. Is he "naturally submissive" because he was abused, or was he abused because he is "naturally submissive"? I mean, I know he was so young he would have been abused anyway, but would he have gone on to seek this relationship with me? I've given up trying to figure it out because this is what he wants, and he has made it very clear to me that what he needs is to submit. To me. Me and nobody else. He was confused when I admitted my feelings for him, and absolutely horrified when he began to fall for me in return. He began to lash out in violence towards classmates, inanimate objects... and things. Fortunately he has calmed down about it now and seems comfortable with things as they are right now.
Any entries in which I talk about someone I love and don't name him as Luke, is about him, if you hadn't already figured that out. And yes, Luke knows that I have romantic feelings for him. Luke and I are happily involved in a polyamorous relationship. My sub is not my boyfriend, by label, because he is... well, scared, to love someone who is not ... well. Ok. He wanted a Master, not a boyfriend. He wasn't looking for love. He was looking to be dominated (as in, BDSM, Dominance/submission). I don't tell him that I love him because it would terrify him, but we openly deeply care for each other. All the same we do not engage in any sexual activity that involves skin to skin contact between him and me. I usually remain clothed during our "sessions", but he is then happy to sit on me naked, or masturbate in front of me, and so forth. As far as touching bare skin goes, I spank him barehanded, hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, but I've never... well, you know where I'm going with that. Yeah. I don't do it because I don't know what would happen. He is like a shattered vase that is yet to fall apart completely. If I touched him, he would break. I think. I don't know. Oh god I'm so scared of hurting him. I don't want to scare him off. I know he could deal with it. I know he's stronger than he thinks he is. But he's not ready for it yet. I won't touch him, and he won't touch me (I am referring to direct sexual contact here, hand jobs blow jobs etc) until he specifically asks to. I feel so underqualified to be with him, but at the same time, there is no fucking way I'm passing this off as a job that is just too hard and no damn way I'll give up on him. I just need to know ... something, anything.
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coming from the background of being abused and raped in a way I can sort of understand him, everyone experiences things differently. I was frightened by the person who did this to me. I was intimidated. I was told I was beautiful one minute, the next,
a whore who was asking for it. It was a horrible experience and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. 