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an empty frame.'s Diary
by an empty frame.

previous entry: Fade to black

next entry: Come on, be happy

anorexia will kill you

09/26/2010

i always forget to take my fucking medications on sunday bloody sundays which leaves me feeling like death on mondays and tuesdays. What reminded me today i forgot my happy pills? Thinking, 'sure, the weather today is beautiful, i love flowers and grass and sky but i cant get out of bed today, fuck i hate it im so lazy, i want to slit my wrists, really wanna wanna wanna ... I always feel like slitting my wrists when ive forgotten to take my... FUCK.'
AND KNOWING THAT I WANT TO DO IT JUST BECAUSE MY BRAIN CHEMICALS ARE ALL MIXED UP BECAUSE I FORGOT MY PILLS DOESNT MAKE THE URGE TO DO IT ANY LESS
but i wont. Because to be true to myself i know i really want to die by that inevitable cardiac arrest or total organ failure. One day ill black out and it'll be the last time, the ambulance will come, they'll put me in a bed, ill never wake up. Death will come and it will be silent and quick, but i dont want to die at home, i want to die in a hospital bed. I want luke to be at my side and a nurse and nobody else. Thats all i want. I dont want to die in my sleep at home. Every morning before luke goes to work he is in the habit of checking my vitals. Paranoid little fuck. Its sweet in a sad kind of way. Im not dying. We're getting ready for it just in case. It is strangely therapeutic and empowering. Thats not to say im not scared.

We went to the botanical flower thing on friday, not realising it was on. I love the kangaroo paw, such a pretty red, but my favourite flower is this little blue wildflower. Not sure what its called. But such a vivid blue. I saw it once in the wild. Id never seen a blue flower before. Loved seeing it again on Friday. We went for such a long walk.

previous entry: Fade to black

next entry: Come on, be happy

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I remember waiting to die.
Strangely, it's far more frightening when it's staring you in the face.
Sorta like Beauty and the Beast... it seems sorta romantic as a concept, but think about how poor Belle must've felt underneath that Disney-calm face.
But I'm just talking, and it doesn't mean anything except musing.

I am the worst diary-friend ever.
But I stalk your OD.

[a little one|0 likes] [|reply]

hehe i was just thinking earlier that im the worst diary friend ever too! Do you have an od?

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

Not anymore, though that's where I started. I have trouble enough writing in one, and I've had multiple diaries before and... well... you've seen how much fun it is to cross-post. ;-P

[a little one|0 likes] [|reply]

will we ever know? would you get someone to tell us? i can't bear the fact that you'll just slip away from me and i'll never know... you'd just disapear and i'd wonder forever.
i don't want you to die.
x

[.November.Butterfly.|0 likes] [|reply]

of course, darling. luke knows the password to all of my accounts online and i have asked him to post should anything happen, including hospitalisation.

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

seconding the second comment [that's a retarded sentence].

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

my reply to the second comment applies to this one too. Love!

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

no dying before i get a chance to hug you for reals.

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

ill be on my death bed saying "wait! Where's Ev?"

[an empty frame.|0 likes] [|reply]

I don't want to know when you die. I imagine that won't ever happen. And by "ever" I generally mean not before me - especially in recent weeks when I feel not unlike this entry paints you. But specifically I mean I don't want to imagine that will ever be something that anyone will have to deal with because that's not fair. We love you. I'm sad and frustrated enough as it is, I refuse to deal with the thought of you ever dying, the end!

[theboyontheroof|0 likes] [|reply]

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next entry: Come on, be happy

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