Fuck. There's no way out. I can't escape my own ridiculous habits. I've said that so many times now. I'm sick of going over the same crap over and over again but that's just it -- it NEVER changes. It's not for lack of trying. It's just that I don't know the right way. Everything I try doesn't work. It's pretty disheartening.
...On another note completely. Not last night but the night before, Luke and I had the biggest fight. Shouting, swearing, it went on for the longest time. I guess we both had a lot of built up rage with each other, or issues that we were bottling up. Now it's like... We are just quiet with each other. I mean, we don't see each other much on weekdays anyway when he's working... But I don't know, I don't have much to talk about with him right now.
When he asks me how my day was... I automatically go on the defensive. When he asks 'what did you do today?' I hear 'did you get anything worthwhile done? Or were you lazy all day? Did you get the washing done/did you do the dishes/did you mow the lawn/did you make that phonecall?' and when he asks 'how are you?' I hear 'what have you eaten today?'
*shrug* I'm messed up, we all know it. As I said, I don't know how to change it. |
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