Dear diary,
I need to put on weight ASAP. So much pressure. I really can't help it. My body is totally doing this against my own will. I have a case worker now, helping me outside of clinic, umm... yeah, to help me with umm... life... haha. And to help me stay out of hospital. Luke is just so relieved because the case worker will be doing a lot of what he's been doing for me. Like, organising appointments and helping me get my shit together and things. Things that have nothing to do with my ED but things that totally are getting in the way of my recovery to my ED and things that if I don't address I probably never will recover out of my sheer inability to function as a normal life.
The words severe ADHD and disability are being used a lot. Like, all of a sudden I have a disability. ... I don't even care. I'm beyond caring about anything. I feel like a shell of a person. The only things that I can feel anymore: a) how much love I have for my stepson when I see him, and how happy he makes me, and how beautiful he is. b) guilt about what I'm doing to Luke and how I'm utterly destroying him and how unhappy I'm making him. I know I have to recover or else he may never be ok again. I see how stressed he is, how vulnerable he is, how weak he is, how quiet he is, and I know it's all my fault. When we have sex it's just such a relief because for that period of time things are normal between us. He's not my "carer" anymore.
Our sexual activity hasn't slowed down much but the intensity of it has certainly changed. It's no longer about being horny or wanting to fuck, it's more about needing to be held, so I know he's there, so I know he still loves me, so that he knows I'm still alive and that I still feel something, so he knows that I know that he loves me, and he tells me all the time and kisses me all the time but he looks so, so sad, and it's all my fault.
I ask him what his friends and family think of what I'm doing to him, because surely they must see how he's changed too, and surely they must hate me for it. He says he doesn't care, fuck them, fuck what they think, they don't know anything and he loves me and needs me. I don't understand it but at the same time I do understand loving someone beyond all reason, even if you know it's bad for you, and I think it also has to do with that part of his personality that makes him want to be a hero, to save me, that part of his personality that saw a damaged, broken me, and wanted to have me, even when our first date went horribly, even when I assured him that I wasn't any good, and warned him against me. I think that maybe, maybe he can't help but try to save me, and that feeling guilty over it is just hurting him because he doesn't have a choice, he just loves me and that's that. But it does take it out of him. He is trying to keep up with his exercise because it keeps him happy but I see that he is also very tired and will often join me in bed when he would usually be at the gym or going for a jog, and that's bad because as I said, it's what makes him happy.
he's been attending a family support group for family members of those with eating disorders. He loves it and always comes back from them just acting more in love with me than the hours beforehand. I wish my support groups were as helpful to me as they are to him. I find myself zoning out of what is being discussed and instead comparing the size of my wrists to the size of the skinny girl to the left of me, and hating the damn bitch because her wrists are just beautiful and mine are just thick and gross. But seeing how positive he is and how much faith he has in me helps me.
Talks of hospitalisation are in the works. It is apparent that I need to put on weight because the effects of starvation on my brain are the biggest reason why I'm finding it so goddamn impossible to recover. So the options are to persist with it outside of the hospital, or to just give in and spend a bunch of long, long weeks doing nothing but forcing myself to eat and laying in a hospital bed and being surrounded by very sick, very skinny women, feeling very isolated by the simple fact that I am male and honestly believing, against all reason, that that must mean that I do not belong here, I do not have this disease, because all these women have it and I am not like them at all.
ADHD = need for stimulation in order to focus. Hunger = stimulation. Exercise = stimulation. With neither, I feel like I'm going insane, even though it's the ED which is making my ADHD symptoms worse. I've been self-medicating my ADHD symptoms by starving myself. It's so hard to let go because it's what I do to cope with my own brain and I cannot escape my own brain goddammit.
I learned today that hypersexuality is a symptom of ADHD, as well. Hearing that was awesome because I've been feeling like a sex addict and that makes me feel gross, but hearing that it's a self-medicating, symptom type of thing, is helpful, especially because the therapist also seemed to think that it wasn't a problem because of the relationship I am in, where Luke's sex drive is equal to mine and there is no resentment about the constant desire for sex (this is why I also enjoy being "teased" for hours on end. god, for those hours my mind is STILL, my ADHD symptoms are completely absent, because omg I'm so horny. I even find it easier to eat without feeling shit afterwards if I'm horny.
I have no idea if the previous paragraph made sense but I won't proof read this entry because I'm tired and need to go to bed. I can't believe how much time I spend sleeping these days. I can't wait to cuddle into Luke and have him climb on top of me and kiss my mouth and love me. Every time we have sex lately, I feel like crying, because I know how lucky I am to have him and I just, egh, it's overwhelming, how lucky I am, I never want to let him go. I don't understand why he feels like he needs me too, when I'm so hopeless and "DISABLED", but he insists that he does need me and he needs to see me recover (he then immediately took back that statement because he wants me to recover because I want to, not because he wants me to, but him saying things like that aren't as damaging as you'd think because I am entirely selfish and I couldn't recover for him anyway, even if I'm doing a pretty lousy job at recovering for myself. When people tell me to do things, I can't help but do the opposite [the exception being in D/s scenes, which is probably why I find them such a release, to just give up control and let myself do what someone tells me to, and to actually want to do it too].
This week has been intense because of all the self-discovery going on. I am utterly fascinated by myself, and as much as my therapists are trying to simplify my program by making it focus just on getting me to put on weight until I'm at a weight that allows me to think clearly, but omg, I keep on just talking about myself, and because I'm going in the right direction, it seems important and urgent to me, but this is possibly also why I may end up in inpatient treatment.
now i'm horny and i want to watch porn but i'm also tired and i guess some lazy, slow sex will do the trick. sometimes i'm not satisfied with just sex if my head isn't entirely "there". foreplay is so important for me. hopefully luke doesn't mind getting me really worked up because quickies don't help me sleep. i kind of resent my orgasms for ending the frame of mind i get in!!!
gnight. |
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