"Want a yummy scrummy icecream?"
"No thanks."
"Ok... why not?"
"Um. How many calories?"
"...200."
"Show me?"
"Just eat the fucking icecream!!!"
"No!"
"Why not?!"
"Because you won't show me the fucking box!"
And then I stormed off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind me and crying into my pillow. All because he wanted me to have an icecream with him and I wanted one too but I was too scared because I'd overindulged during the day. He wants me to be able to eat dessert foods but I just can't do it! But then I'm afraid that if I reject too much food he'll think I'm restricting again and won't let me go to the gym with him anymore  I want to be able to go without him but I haven't earned that yet. *sigh*
Sometimes I'm tempted to lie to him about how much I'm eating or how much exercise I'm doing during the day (when he's at work). I know if I start doing that again, he'll be really upset... On bad days I grab a bunch of food from the fridge or pantry and hide it. I'll feel guilty about it for ages and then put it all back again. It's a weird routine and every time it starts I don't even realise I'm doing it. If Luke's home and I'm feeling particularly anxious about food I'll decide to "clean the kitchen" and pull everything out of the pantry, wipe down the shelves, and put it all back really slowly.
I want him to hug me and tell me it'll be alright. Right now.
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