[NB] Wrote this at 5am. Now posting at 7pm.
Let's continue where we left off last time, seeing as I haven't stopped stewing over it yet. I'm still angry that Giovanni is seeing this random guy. Angry, why am I angry?! Nothing ever angers me, except for, you know, idiots. And Giovanni isn't an idiot. I'm not angry at him. In fact, I'm kissing his fucking ass. Not literally -- because you know very well I could have easily meant that I was actually...... but I tend not to with him, because he's a hairy fuck, but anyway, I digress... Why am I ANGRY? Or maybe it's not anger. Maybe it's just... a kind of confusion that is expressing itself in the general desire to hit things and swear a lot very loudly. Frustration? Fear? No, it's not... I am angry. Not the kind of anger I've seen in Luke, mind you... I don't want to kill anyone, lol. I am pissed off but I'm not about to flip the fuck out.
ANGRY! Because I don't get it, and I hate being taken by surprise. For the first time in a decade (ew, I just made myself feel really old...) my life seemed somewhat stable, and comfortably predictable. Last I heard, he was still casually sleeping with Sarah, which was weird, but it wasn't unusual. He didn't date anyone for a while after he broke up with Gabriel's mum and things were all fucked up for a couple of years. I was happy when he started seeing girls again, and I noticed he was not so highly strung anymore, which was the worst thing about seeing him bring up Gabriel on his own... He went from being completely laid back, well-balanced, happy guy, to just a fucking mess. So it was a good sign when he started dating again. So why do I feel so differently now??? WHY?! Somebody psycho-analyse me because despite the fact that I have a lot of experience psychoanalysing myself, the fact that I feel unable to communicate this makes it hard to make sense to me. My thoughts just bounce all over my brain in no organised matter and don't make sense to me until I say it out loud (sometimes to myself) or write it down (and I'm always talking to myself here, though I like to think I'm reaching out to somebody who might read this). It's my topic of the week at the dinner table, lol. Luke is sick of hearing about it. God, it just occured to me, I've gone a bit obsessed, and I haven't even met the guy yet. The more I think about it, the more reasons I find to not like it, and the more I worry about what it means.
The most obvious thought running in my head is whether or not I'll be replaced in Gabriel's life. I was comfortable with him having a step-mother if he ended up hooking up with a girl over the long term. But if this guy ends up being "the one" for Giovanni, what will that make me? Will I still be Gabe's step-dad? Will he still need me? Or will I just become like a babysitter... Another thing I'm pissed off about is that I feel like Giovanni should realise that it could become an issue and being that typically we will discuss any parenting decisions together, like what school we wanted to put him in, therapy decisions, financial decisions regarding his therapy and housing and such, behaviour management as he gets older and we need new approaches and stuff... We are always careful to make sure we're on the same page when it comes to him... And I guess I felt confident that I would never be replaced by a woman because Giovanni has never fallen in love with a woman and to be honest, I think that since having Gabriel he's been just obsessed with the idea of giving Gabriel the perfect, functional nuclear family setting to grow up in. I just think the hetero side of his bisexuality is a bit of a novelty or a fantasy or a desire for normalcy. I say novelty because he is obsessed with big boobs but to be honest, so am I! And I'm gay. I love boobs though. They're funny and squishy. Novel things. lol. Bah. So if he's dating this guy, like, still dating him... because usually when he's with guys it's one-night-stands, ... if he's made a concious decision to continue dating him, to potentially make a man a part of Gabriel's life in a family setting... I think he must really like him. Because I know what a decision he made when he left me. Because he wanted to give Gabriel a mum and a dad. And if he is now compromising that ideal... it must have taken a really good guy. So the potential to be replaced is great. And he didn't talk to me first about letting Gabriel meet him. I asked if the guy KNEW about Gabriel, and he THEN informed me that he'd ALREADY MET him. Now I'm dying to know if the guy knows about ME.... but I don't want to be told that Giovanni doesn't think I'm worth mentioning as anybody other than his friend (best friend, dammmmmit!!!!) or his ex boyfriend ... hell he probably wouldn't even mention that we used to be together.
Luke's asked me to make a serious effort to stop thinking about it. And he's very much sick of hearing me talk about it. You should see him. His eyes just glaze over. It's annoying because it's serious to me and I want him to take me seriously ... or at least tell me that it's not as serious as I think it is. Somebody just tell me it's not serious. All I hear from Giovanni is how much he likes him, how great he is, blah blah blah. All I hear from Luke is that he doesn't see how it's different from him finding a girl that he really likes. I don't really know either, but it just is. I suppose because of our history, and our conversations we used to have about his feelings towards girls and how it's .... different with guys... but he never gives himself easily to ANYONE. So hearing that he's found someone ... that sucks. But frankly, I believe him, because Giovanni seems well infatuated. Which just makes me more suspicious of the guy because nobody's perfect ... although it's too early for Giovanni to be noticing let alone talking about his flaws...
BLAH BLAH BLAH I'm sick of hearing myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just shut up, Aaron! If I'm not obsessing over one thing, it's another! Just ... I wish I were normal...
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