I want to feel something.

10/16/2010

[this was actually written about ten hours ago, 1am-ish Friday night)

I just had the worst orgasm in my life. And now I'm just plain ol' pissed off. I wasn't even horny, just masturbating out of boredom, and when I came it was like... my orgasm couldn't be bothered making an effort either. Now I want to punch something. I hate being left unsatisfied. I HATE being disappointed.

I want to feel something. My body is craving sensation. It's a Friday night, so technically I could wake Luke and ask him to give me a flogging or something similar, but he will want to fuck me and I'm not in the mood for another mediocre, obligatory fuck.

I wish I could sleep, because I can't stop FUCKING thinking about food. I feel a binge/purge episode coming on. Only I can't throw up half the time because I end up with a panic attack after fucking up my throat years ago. And I'm not in the habit of taking laxatives. But I'll obsess over those calories and exercise until I pass out, wake up, exercise some more, feel sick, hate myself, want to die.

Luke is terrified of me not waking up from my sleep. I think he has developed an anxiety disorder. I think, no, I KNOW it is my fault. I am such a moron. But I can't fucking help it. He needs a break from me, but then he worries too much to leave me alone. He doesn't even like leaving for work if I'm still sleeping. What kind of boyfriend am I? I wish he didn't love me so much! My ED has destroyed all my past relationships, but he is so understanding, patient and forgiving that he never seems to get sick of caring about me. Don't get me wrong. Every day, every second I am in awe of his love and so grateful for it and him and I love him with everything, everything! But I hate that I make him so sad, and I hate myself for it not being enough to make myself want to recover. I just wish he didn't know so much.

I'm going to go have one of those low-calory and shit-tasting diet shakes. At least that way all the maths is done for me. I hate calorie counting, the maths makes me confused and half of the packets here list in kilojoules instead and converting is a pain in my ass. See why it's easier to not fucking eat? Whatever. I love Luke. He's my hero.