I will be anorexic forever and ever and ever and it will never end and I will never not be sick again...

i have your complete opposite problem. although im pretty sure if i had to i could LOSE weight, its just not that easy. i wish you were well. and im sorry its such a struggle. i guess in the end you have to decided if YOU are worth being better for. you know that being around 120-130 is healthy, even if you feel uncomfortable there, and you know your body needs food as fuel to function. so i guess its taking the step where you go after things you want. traveling, have a good time with your friends, enjoying and being good at your job. simple things that are not easy right now. do you want them bad enough to get better? i know what its like to want things yet not try for them. if there was just a button to fix things life would be better. i promise you though, getting better is worth it, you are worth it, your life is worth it.♥

*danielle elizabeth.

i wish i could take it from you. the anorexia. i don't like seeing you feel so shit. especially wanting to just die instead

& skull.

you won't recover because you don't want to recover. it will kill you because you don't want to get better. If i could only show you how free it is not having to worry about calories or fat or food. to just enjoy and icecream and not purge...
all the therapy and everything is not going to help if you're just doing it for someone else... you have to do it for you. you have to find new ways to take control of your life and move forward and stop using food and fatness as your control. being too thin doesn't look pretty Aaron, those thinspiration stick figures dont look nice to me... they look sick. very very sick, its not attractive. I look at the photos of me where i was purging everyday and i look ill too. and i don't look happy.
my body is not perfect now but who the fuck cares? my body is an amazing thing it does amazing things, it helps me move and lets me hug the people i love and it creates babies and can give pleasure. its not about how fat i am anymore, its about how healthy i am and what i can do to stay healthy. I'm free from starvation and obsessive exercise and i like myself.... i was so scared that coming out of it would mean i'd be a different person altogether but it didn;t, it just made me myself but free of all the crap and the hunger. it made me smile again. it let me enjoy food again and not care. it made me healthy.
my life is not about numbers and weights and calories anymore. its not about how i look or what people think of me as I walk down the street. you are an amazing person and its not about what you look like. You're Aaron you've done good things for people, especially jeeves and Gabriel and more...
you're worth more than what this shit anorexia will do to you. If you die because of this... well i don't know what the fuck i will do, stare blankly at my computer and think...wtf? and probably cry alot over someone i've never met.
you're worth more than this. i hate that life has driven you to this.
love you.
suz x

You make it sound like heaven but I just don't see how I can get there I wish I could, for Luke more than anything. Fuck I wish he didn't have to see me do this every fucking day

I honestly wish I could help. I have a cousin that suffers from anorexia, I know what hell it causes, but you have to truly want to recover, to begin healing darling.

it must be so hard for you... but I agree, perhaps the thing is that you don't want to fix yourself yet? you want to but you really don't... it can be so hard to break the habit.
do you have other issues that are at the heart of your anorexia? perhaps you're just trying to treat the symptom of a deeper problem?

Yeah. Lots of other problems. My eating behaviors started when I was kicked out of home (16) and my life spiralled out of control. This is my comfort zone and my hunger pains make me feel "at home" and safe.
Also my ADHD has a LOT to do with it. And of course my depression and anxiety.

ahh. that makes a lot of sense... and I'm sure the rigid control you impose on your body stems from feeling as though your life was out of control, that at least you can control your body like that.
no easy solution unfortunately I just hope that good relationships with people including your Luke will make you feel safe, and in control so that you'll be able to ease off the control over what you eat. maybe Luke needs to hold off from giving your craved sexual violence to you unless you eat so much every day... could make you eat from a plate on the floor in front of him like a dog to make it extra fun perhaps?

Yeah we've done that, it's fun and easier to eat And also if he cuts up my food and feeds it to me like I'm a kid... hehe. But sometimes I freak out AFTER the scene is over and go and run for ages to try to burn the calories I just consumed... Blah I need a leash on me 24/7 lol. Oh hey that's a good idea LOL

Lol, keep reading. I'm posting them continuously as we speak. We'll be caught up in a day or so.

Hooray, a fellow poly! I'll add you as well.

Ryn: lol thanks for the notes! I was wondering who was leaving them! they were very sweet!
Man, intense entry. Im sorry youre going through that. I think admitting you have a problem is good. At least you want to help yourself even if you cant.
and maybe youll always be anorexic even if you "got better" kinda like how an addict is always an addict and an alcoholic is always an alcoholic..even when they quit?
I hope things get better for you! You seem like a really nice sweet person!

I wish that there was something that I could do to help you!! My cousin went through the same thingAs much as I tried and tried, begged and pleaded to get him to eat, he wouldn't. I just watched him waste away until finally, one day, he just started eating again. It broke my heart. I'll pray for you, hun!

♥, Julie™