Luke's mum, again

08/17/2010

Planning a funeral is a lot harder than I realised. I've never actually witnessed the planning process, only attended them. The tension in the air, the bitten tongues, trying to put brief to one side to get something important done... Tonight they were picking out photos to be displayed in a slideshow and choosing the music to be played. They needed four pieces of music and it took the longest time for everyone to agree. But it's the most I've seen Luke talk since Saturday.



He's just... quiet. It's not that he's deliberately choosing to not say something... I don't know if he has nothing to say (really unlike him) or just can't be bothered saying anything. He says he's ok but I'm worried because he seems so... flat. All one-word answers, shrugs and "I don't know". I hate this. I want to make it all better. This is really really hard!!!! I want him to take a break! He keeps working, either at work or he comes home and works out, then he just does housework or cooks and then goes to bed really early. Omg I've never seen him like this.



Fortunately I've been able to pick up some work so money isn't an issue for us this week... And I've been eating because I really don't want to upset Luke even more... I know how much my ED stresses him out and he is always really grateful if I make an effort to eat a meal with him, even if I can't finish half of what's on my plate... So I am trying to do this for him, to keep the peace, and there's no room to complain about my belly aches or anything, trying to keep it all positive and stuff, it's like walking on broken glass and I feel really on edge. I just know I need to eat for him while he goes through this... Trying really hard... To not be a selfish bitch... Worrying about my trivial crap while he mourns the sudden loss of his mother...

He loved his mum. I knew that all along. I thought it was so odd, but really nice. This was very unexpected.