I think I'm starting to slow down. It's a nice feeling. I feel like I'm floating. I'm almost sure I'm forgetting something, to not feel like I'm being smothered by some sense of urgency for once. Panicking because I feel able to relax. I don't trust my memory one bit. Things are shit, why don't I feel bad? If I was grounded in reality I'd be freaking the fuck out. i'm not freaking out for once, so I have definitely forgotten something important. Just that little bit of anxiety keeping me from relaxing completely. Feeling guilty for putting me feet up. Surely I'm forgetting something. There must be something more important I should be doing than this, but what is it? ...I always remember several hours later, and then hours later again it doesn't seem important anymore. ...if it's not important, I won't do it, because I need to relax. So nothing gets done. GOD can I just ONCE not beat myself up for not being on top of everything? I just need to accept my flaws and stop hating myself for things I can't change. Just need to adapt. But hating myself is easier, comes naturally, and I hate so much that I don't want to adapt, I just need to kill my flaws.
My back pain is non-existant these days. I can almostg believe that I am stronger, my working out has been working and I am allowed to recognise improvements in my body, even if I can't see them. The backpain being gone is great. I can lift things and I know my muscles are supporting my spine now. I feel stronger than I've been since I was a teenager. Can't believe I'm doing it. My body getting stronger, my brain slowing down. Those were my biggest reasons to recover. And... It's happening. Is it real? |
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