every time i need to buy something, i spend literally hours trying to do everything in the one trip, because i hate shopping and never go... hm... anyway, i spend hours trying to buy the things that i have been waiting/needing buy for the last month, and once they're in front of me, i decide they're not exactly right and i don't need it anyway and basically convince myself not to buy it. i always walk out empty handed or with a bunch of random shit that just goes in the spare room (because the last thing i want to do once i get home from the shops is unpack or even look at what i've just bought, i'm always in such a foul mood by the end of it) and i never, ever use it. seriiously i have so much shit that has never been even taken out of its packet. like ummm... stuff. i spend a lot of money on shit i don't need, that junks up the house and takes up all my space, and because i'm a hoarder i can't throw away shit without then going back to the bin and getting it out because i've decided i might need it one day afterall. and... fucking hell! i have no space or money for the shit i DO need!!!! AND I HATE LIVING IN RENTALS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FUCKING DRILL SHELVES TO THE GODDAMN WALLS ALL I WANT ARE WALL SHELVES IS THAT SO BLOODY HARD????????? I DON'T WANT BIG CHJNKY FURNITURE GGGOOODD THE CLUTTER I NEED... i need to just... omg... i don't know!!! i don't know how to ... AAAAAAAAGH.
i am impossible to live with. seriously. oh my god. i can't live with myself either. OMG I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. i'm wearing no pants and i keep on thinking people are going to just enter my house at any minute and be like omg that man is wearing no pants! even though it's 9 in the morning.
oh yeah and the exact same thing happens if i buy shit online, by the way. but i do buy my groceries online because grocery stores make me want to stab myself or cry or just abandon my trolley and go home and cry there. i want a swimming pool. god all my problems woould be solved if i had... nah not really... i'm just talking shit now... i'm going to go and gafa tape my mouth shut because strangely enough that is incredibly relaxing. i don't have a mouth filter so it's like... i don't even bother having to try to say something that is ... worth saying.
omg. i just... i think i need to go and work on my recovery workbook... *takes drill to brain*
hypnotherapy... has anybody tried it? or know anybody who has? nothing works... medications therapy out-patient treatment group therapy i've had watershed moment after watershed moment, breakdowns where i'm stripped to nothing and then i come out of it with a new sense of commitment to getting better ... i work for days on my recovery... thinking i finally am going to get it right now, because i have a plan now, and i know what to do now, and i've learned from my mistakes all those other times before and now more than ever i'm better equipped... and then... my brain malfunctions again... and i find... another fucking thing that gets in the way of where i was going... and i can't change... things return to how they were before... and i have another breakdown...
we need to replace the blinds.
if i was an outsider looking at me, and trying to offer advice to me about what i could possibly do to improve myself and my life and make it a bit easier... i wouldn't know what to say to myself. i'd be thinking in my head, "there's no solution. maybe you should just like, i dunno, abandon this "life" project and die already." ... lol none of my team of psychiatrists or psychologists or anything know what to do with me. i've been seeing them for over a year and still they can't think of something that might actually work. now that, my friends, is depressing. it's like my brain is beyond repair. but i'm not insane, so i can't just go ladida... *sigh*
hypnotherapy. i feel like if i suggest it to my psych or my caseworker, they'll just laugh at me. and what if it doesn't work? it's my last option.
my life is passing me by and i can't live it. i really want to. but it's like i'm not here. god. where did it all go wrong.
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