Pointless sex? No such thing, surely.

01/31/2010

It's two o'clock, PM, and I've just woken up from a slow, subtle kind of nightmare that has left me feeling disillusioned. I don't want to get up today. Not because I'm naked, not because my boyfriend is naked next to me, not because once again his ass is out of the covers and just begging for me to play with it... (hm...heh.) I'm kind of depressed, and don't want to move today.

I found myself thinking for a moment, "is the sex I'm having getting rather pointless?"

That's the most depressing thought I've had in a long time. And fuck, yeah, I do feel dead when my sex life isn't satisfying me.

Maybe it felt pointless because I was topping. Maybe it felt pointless because he was asleep ... LOL. Ok, he was half asleep. I may have, may have just woken him up with my dick sliding over his asshole twice today. But, I feel like spending time with him, and he's going to spend the entire day in bed. I totally understand, but I want his company.

I'm scared of tomorrow. Week three of my time at the clinic. Just thinking about it brings on the beginnings of a panic attack. I won't be surprised if Luke has to start physically forcing me into the car and then through the doors of the hospital again. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I want to recover. But my body is at war with me. My brain is at war with me. Everything is in conflict with something else inside of me. The only thing that I can make sense of is that I want Luke to fucking wake up and suck my dick otherwise I may just start crying because I can't stand thinking about how worried I am anymore.

I am just speaking now to Scarlett about Luke being passed out while I fucked him today. It was her who convinced me it was a good idea, by the way. I am totally innocent. Anyway, it doesn't seem so pointless anymore. I fucking adore him. I spent a lot of time just kissing him and touching him before fucking him. I rimmed him for like five minutes and he was asleep the entire time. When he wakes up completely, he'll enjoy hearing what I did to him. He was stirring a bit as I was fingering him, probably vaguely aware of what I was doing, but he'd been scuba diving from 7am to 7pm yesterday, came home, showered, dressed, had dinner, then went out clubbing and came home at 6am. He is still dead to the world, even now.

Sometimes I wonder where he gets all of his energy from to keep up with all of these commitments he has -- I mean, he goes to the gym every other day, plays football at least once a week if not cricket just with his mates, and usually goes out on both Friday and Saturday nights (I've given up trying to accompany him on the weekend, I'm just tooooo antisocial. I get to enjoy his drunken body when he comes home, that's good enough for me). Not to mention having an extremely physically demanding day job. But then I remember how much fucking food he eats and it's easy to see where he gets the energy from. He's an extremely healthy person. I have no idea how someone as fit as him can even stand watching me struggle through eating and then see how weak I am after years of starvation. No fucking idea. But it is inspiring, being around him. And there's no way I can compare myself to him, because he's a fucking freak of a human being, to eat as much as he does and look as good as he does. A fucking freak, he is. He knows it, so he's never expected me or anybody else to try to eat even half as much as he does. He'll go back for seconds, thirds, and then still complain of being hungry. And it's all healthy shit, too. If anybody knows exactly what to put into their body to get the best out of it, it's him. I'm in awe of how comfortable he is with eating. It's always been a negative thing for me. Even before the eating disorder crap started. It's always been, oh, I shouldn't eat this, it's bad for me, or I should be eating more vegies, or more fruit, blah blah blah. He just loves all food and eats good amounts of everything. It's alien to me.

I love him. I fucking adore him. He is like a god in my eyes. So if he's laying next to me, snoring and drooling, his leg hanging off the side of the bed, his naked butt exposed for my eyes only, it's got to be a fucking miracle. How can I think that's pointless, even for a moment???!

"Can I crawl up inside you, and rest my head on your heart?"