One of my therapists asked if I thought I was ready to leave the clinic and go back to my normal (lol, normal) life. I kind of panicked and went into auto-pilot where I lie through my teeth and say that everything is fucking awesome. I smiled and acted pleasantly surprised and told her that I was ready to leave the clinic and begin working full time and live as a recovered anorexic, all healthy and hunky dory. ... She asked that if I were to leave would I still be interested in participating in certain things like the support groups. I said that I wouldn't because being around all those girls was doing my head in. I have no idea if she bought my act and to be honest, I have no idea why I put it on. I didn't want to admit that I'm not ready to leave and then be told that I have to leave anyway.... I want it to be on my own terms... I want to walk out with my head held high... And if they make me leave, that's what I'll do, but I know it's just because they needed to fill my place with a skinnier twig than I ever was.
I know I know I know I know, these thoughts are soooo pointless and stupid and ...I don't know. I just... I hate not being able to predict what my day will look like tomorrow. I just want.... to have some kind of direction because.... I'm kind of too pathetic to just exist like every other human being on this planet does. I'm an idiot. Meh. |
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