I want desperately to get over the young one. There are a million reasons why I need to get over him. I thought - I still think - that if I can find some other young pretty thing to distract me, to give me all the attention and adoration I enjoyed with the young one, that I might stop believing that him and I were meant to be together. I might stop thinking he's perfect and no one else can inspire in me what he did. With him, I was another person. ... I want to be that again. But I don't think I can. Last night I was pathetic and weak. That is what my first attempt at "replacing" the young one reduced me to. This man couldn't have been more opposite to him, although they shared the same ethnicity (by coincidence). I think he would have been a good fuck ... but that's not what I wanted from him.
Oh, if I could just turn my brain OFF. I'm going to go and confess to Luke how stupid I feel and hope he can make it all better somehow (rather than just laughing at me about it like he did this morning when I was trying to make my utter disappointment appear less than what it was). |
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