It's the strangest thing. Left, right and center, younger submissive boys are becoming interested in me. I like the inexperienced ones, because they are so uncertain, undemanding, and even shy to talk to me at all. Also, they tend to be quite well-established in their careers or studies for their age. There was this one guy, a complete jock-type, you know... Muscles to the moon and back, square jaw, tanned, etc. Not my type at all. He looks like he belongs on the set of Passions or some show. And I was completely shocked, like, what, you're looking for a strict daddy? LOL. I actually laughed at him, which made Giovanni snicker (I loved seeing the snob in him rear its ugly head again!), and then he was unable to look either of us in the eye anymore. I think if I had told him to get on his knees and beg, he would have done it unquestionably.
I found it all a bit overwhelming. Not just him but the other guys who expressed interest. I had conversations with a few different guys, mentally going through a list and checking off boxes. Are they interested in service-orientated submission? Yes? Check. Pain as punishment? Hesitation about that question is adorable. I think that's what I'm most interested in. If they answer that question too eagerly, I get turned off. I'm not much of a sadist. For some fucked up reason seeing boys in pain gets me so hot but it fucks with my head, too, because it's in my nature to want to take pain away from whomever is suffering it.
My sub is often reminding me that we have a safe word and if anything becomes too much, he can tell me. I actually do forget it. I think god is this too much for him? Is he going to hate me for making him endure this? I do forget that he has the power to say no. I forget that he's strong enough to say it. Fuck, the independence with which he lives his everyday life is always surprising me. Yesterday, he got in a fight. I was fucking shocked, moreso when I figured out that it was him who threw the first punch, and it sounded like he really laid into the guy as well. Anyway, the point is... he's not into pain. He endures it for me. When I hurt him, his dick goes soft, but the look on his face is just so delicious... Oh, god. He loves doing it because he sees how much it turns me on. Now he's always asking me to hurt him, and he'll do stupid shit like pour hot wax on himself while he's masturbating. LOL. He's hilarious.
I love him.
Back to talking about the "meat market", which is really what last night felt like, although I'm sure that wasn't the intention behind it. I have nothing to offer these stupid little boys. I'm not looking for another submissive but I'm not opposed to the idea either. But what I really fucking want is the submissive that I already have, but I want him to fucking ... stop being such a fucking dick!!! STOP BEING A DICK. He's kidding himself if he thinks he can be happy in a relationship without a power exchange because honestly, time and time again, he's shown me he needs this. He comes to me all fucked up and crying and begs me to let him submit to me. Because, yes, I've attempted to end this before. He does some crazy shit to prove to me that he's worth my time. He says if he can't be my sub, he never wants to submit to anybody else, nobody else is as perfect as I am. Isn't that LOVE? Seriously?! He is so, so confused. And I think that the fact that I am polyamorous has a huge deal to do with it. He swears it isn't... He says he is monogamous but he is ok with me being poly.
Oh, god, it's so obvious, and I am so clearly in denial over it. He doesn't love me, why am I making it so complicated? Why is it on most days I can handle the fact that he doesn't love me, and on other days it breaks my heart?!!! |
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