[Bare with me in this entry, I'm pretty tired]
I fucken swear if this porn doesn't start downloading soon I'm going to punch someone! And lolz cos I typed "bunch" instead of punch at first.
Speaking of punching, updatezzz0r on my broken face -- soooo bruised LOL. I laugh s0 hardk0r when I look in the mirror. I love it.
God, Luke is SOOO broody lately. I'm like, shit, quit trying to come and maybe you'll relax enough to be able to come, bro. He's like > LOL. It's kinda cool because he fucks me for hours on end and then just gets pissed off and yells at me for being useless. XD And in my subby-state of mind I apologise like mad and cry over it. Then in cuddles afterwards we have a bit of a giggle over it. I love him! He's so funny and cute.
My sub boy got beaten today (by me) for failing to mention that he has a crush on someone. Omgz. What a jerk. That is information I could totally use against him lol. Aahhh fun and games, fun and games... Anyway I gave him advice on how to snag this guy and he got all soppy and was like "no!!!!!! I only want to serve you!!!!!" lol... Aw... It's sweet but really I think he should be going after this guy if he likes him. I think he's just scared of getting rejected, to be honest. I don't know how he could possibly think that being my submissive when I refuse to touch him or let him touch me (I pass it off as torture or teasing but really I have strong enough feelings for him already, I know if I slept with him I'd fall for him completely and I don't need that) is more fulfilling than a real relationship with a guy closer to his age (no he is not underage, he's just a fair bit younger than me). Well, I do know how he could think that, because he is 100% a fucking submissive and it baffles me how naturally it comes to him. It's like he desires nothing more sexually than to just be a slave to a man he worships, even if he gets no sex out of it, even if he's being denied orgasms. I told him that this week he's allowed to masturbate as much as he wants to, as a reward, but he had to tell me every time he did it, and he hasn't contacted me today... I hope that he's fucking doing it because it would break my heart if he wasn't masturbating... *sigh* He really is a headfuck.
I need to talk to an experienced Dom about this but I don't of any who I would feel comfortable discussing him with... I don't want to sort of expose him to the local scene here because everyone would want a piece of him, I just know it. And apart from feeling protective over him and not wanting anyone to take advantage of his eagerness to serve, I kind of want him all to myself, too... Which makes me feel bad, because it's not like he has me all to himself. At all. In fact, he doesn't have *any* of me. I think about him a *lot* but he doesn't get anything out of that, except for the satisfaction that is written all over his face when I tell him that I thought of him today. ...He's amazing, really. I hate to think I might be falling for him; really I think he consistently impresses me with his devotion... I don't know how he has time for me. I keep on asking him where he's been and he reveals, ONLY when asked, how much of a social life he has, on top of his working out, and part-time employment, and full-time studies (he is actually studying more than a full-time load, even...) God, no wonder he comes to me almost unable to speak in complete sentences (which I am surprisingly tolerant over... I think if he knew how much it pissed me off that his grammar turns to shit half the time he talks to me, he would be very upset.)
...The other day I made him place two pegs on each of his nipples. He is not a fan of pain. The strain on his face as he put them on was so beautiful. It was so obvious that he had to force himself to put them on. The one peg would go on and he'd pull this pained face and would really have to brace himself to ever-so-slowly put the second one on, and then god, pain on his face again. After they were on he just sat there and ... yeah, wow, his face... I wish I could explain it. Utter obedience... but so much pain and just, putting up with it. Half of me wanted to tell him to take them off, to comfort him, to make him feel better... The other half was so intrigued by this side of him... I made him keep them on for longer than I had intended to. I got the feeling that he didn't want me to be easy on him this particular time. I'm sure I was punishing him for something, but I can't remember what. Anyway, I then made him hit the pegs hard enough to make them fall off. Oh jesus. He almost cried (I haven't made him cry yet... I suspect it'll happen when he's deep in subspace for the first time. At the moment I have no desire to take him into subspace... I don't think he's ready for it. Besides, he has such lovely, focused self control... I don't want to see him lose control. ...If he goes into subspace, I would be beside myself with arousal. I'd have to take him out of it just so I could leave the room and jerk off to all hell. I just know it. God, this boy does THINGS to me that I never fucking imagined I'd ever feel. I'm not typically Dominant. I never have been... I've never had the desire to dominate ANYONE before, until this one came along and basically threw himself at my feet and begged me to let him serve me. I didn't think it would go on this long. I thought we'd play the one time to sort of satisfy both of our curiosity but now it's like this thing that we both need from each other and it's... it's just so strange.
He keeps on telling me I'm beautiful and coming from him, because he IS so beautiful, even though he doesn't believe it... Because he is so beautiful and innocent and honest, coming from him I believe it. I feel like what I do with him is more pure than any of my past relationships. And I'm not saying I want to be pure... But I mean... With him, it just is.
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