anorexia trigger warning. including pictures. so like. don't read or scroll if you aren't looking to pull a trigger or something.
Why do I keep fainting? It’s the one thing that I can’t fucking hide. I never suspect it, no matter how shit I feel, I just think, ah I’ll be right mate. Then I get hot, want on the floor, and suddenly my world is spinning backwards over my head. When I wake up I’m on the floor and someone’s put me in some fucking safe position and I have to stay there because I’m too fucked up to move. If I think I’m ready to get up, I just pass out again, so Luke, knowing the drill already for fucks sake, even though we’ve only been together like seven months, always makes me stay at least seated on the floor for some time way past when I’m ready. Oh, god. This makes me so angry. Why this one thing?? I just DON’T want to faint. There needs to be some alarm bell to go off so I can at least go into a room by myself and lock the door behind me. It would save everyone else the grief, and it would save me the humiliation.
My body is such a fucking bastard. Even while I’m typing this I’m having heart palpatations. Two in a row just now. Thanks, heart, for being so bloody useless. Pounding it with a fist actually makes it feel better. God, I am SO PISSED OFF.
You know what might just kill me? The fact that the staff at the clinic think that I’m “above” pulling the tricks that the stupid teenage girls pull to hide their weight loss. I’m not. I’m just not so fucking pig headed about it. The staff genuinely like me so they trust me. They shouldn’t. They think I’ll be all better by the end of the year. I won’t. They think I want to get better. I don’t. Luke doesn’t know what to do.
Luke was so angry when I wrote the entry saying that I’d hidden my dinner under my plate. He couldn’t even talk to me about it. He printed the entry out and circled the sentence over and over and over until you actually couldn’t read it anymore (NB: we are always writing notes to each other, even when in the same room, so it’s not unusual for him to “say it” in this way. Probably the only way anything important actually gets said to each other, now that I think of it). Then he screwed it up, threw it at me, and punched the back of the computer chair hard, really hard, repeatedly. I thought he was going to just rip the back support off in a moment, but he didn’t. It’s a little broken but it’ll live.
So today, when that happened, he was beside himself. He called his sister up just so someone would be there to sit with me while he went and sulked in the bedroom. She knows everything now. She knows where all his money has gone. She knows how much he’s sacrificed for me. I don’t know why he did it either‼ I don’t know why he does it. God, don’t look at me, I never asked him to pay for anything. He damn well insisted. I thought I was ready. I guess I was wrong. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I’m just too… When I read accounts of babies that have undergone some major surgery and survived, and their parents say, “s/he’s a fighter,” and then when they have some other major thing later in life and again, “s/he’s always been a fighter,” I just think, god, if I were to go into a coma, I’d never come out of it, because I’m not a fighter. I never had the strength to get through this. I never had it, it’s just not in me. I’m not saying I’m about to roll over and rot, but I just mean… I’m not a fighter. I feel kind of calmer now that I’ve realised that. It’s not this struggle that will just go on and on and on… It was never meant to be fought.
No hate notes please. Actually, no notes at all. I know that there are people who need me… I guess I have some loose threads to tie over the next few months or something.
I’m going to be a big shit now and post some pictures of an old buddy and some other random images and basically just blah there it is. It’s 4am somehow now it feels like there are rocks poking into my back or something lol wtf it hurts. Today I was embarrassed buying twelve cans of V and two Kitkats from the servo when I was already so obviously hyperactive and probably appeared like I was on drugs.
Oh yeah so photos of old buddies I think is how I put it.
did i already post that one? God, I can’t remember two seconds ago.
ummyeah..what else.. ho hum.. other random shit i suppose…
shut up i know i’m not giving credit but fuck off i’m hungry leave me alone
interesting isn’t it lads?
And last but not least
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