Why does my heart always take me in the most illogical of directions? It's never a straight path, it's never an easy stroll, and I never know what my destination might be. It feels like I'm always climbing uphill battles with this boy, and I never seem to get to where I hope to arrive. And yet, against all reason, I'm drawn to him like the strongest of magnets and I just can't bare the thought of separating myself from him, even though I'm getting nothing out of being with him.
I'm speaking of the Young One (as I will be calling him from now on! No more vague "subby" nicknames here). The broken one, the secretive one, the isolated one, the abused one. Remember him? Yeah, it's been a long time since I've mentioned him and I wouldn't be surprised if most of you assumed that things fizzled out between us and we are no longer seeing each other. No, we are still together, but I am so absolutely baffled by the short, rare moments we spend together now, that I have nothing to say about it. He is extremely depressed. Extremely. Suicidal? God, I hope not. I don't think he'd do that... he is too kind to his mother to do that. Doesn't mean he doesn't think about it.
Depression takes the joy out of everything. The things you enjoy most, you begin to feel indifferent about. The love isn't gone but it just lies in the background, buried underneath layers of apathy and guilt and hate and sadness and blackness. You stop caring if you lose the things you love. In fact, if you lost the things you loved, that would be one less burden to carry on your shoulders and life might be a little bit easier. And yet you don't have the energy to actively end anything, and you know you're not in the right frame of mind and you suspect you might just need that thing you love, so you just leave it and wait for the thing you love to stop loving you. But I don't want to stop loving him.
I have learned a lot about mental illness and neurological differences over the years. Depression, generalised anxiety, eating disorders, ADHD and autism spectrum disorders, I know a fair bit about. And yet, sdespite all my want of knowing, I can't figure out what I should do, how I should act, what moves I should make, what I should and shouldn't say... to make him just feel comfortable. PTSD and OCD I don't have a clue about. I've never been involved with someone, to the best of my knowledge, who has experienced the abuse he has in his years. And I can't figure out what to do from him, because he doesn't talk. He just doesn't talk. Everything I know of his past, I know from ONE conversation we had when we were first getting to know each other. That is more than he is comfortable with me or anybody knowing. He just doesn't know how to talk about himself. He doesn't know... how to converse, really. English being his second language doesn't help make it any easier for him, I suspect...
God, I'm careful, careful, careful with him. I tread on broken glass. I don't push him. Lately, I don't even talk to him. I try, but he never answers. He doesn't reply to my messages. Not even my emails. He doesn't particularly care to talk to me on MSN. He wouldn't go to a doctor. The one time I've convinced him to go, the stupid doctor completely shrugged off what he was saying. He wasn't being direct, mind you, but the symptoms he was mentioning should have set off red flags for her. I mean, god! Just because someone looks like a healthy, well adjusted young man... doesn't mean there's no chance that there are some serious issues going on. Why didn't she see??!! *sigh* Somebody needs to help him. Somebody who knows what they're doing. Because I don't have a fucking clue. And asking his friends for help, knowing that they know absolutely nothing about the "real" him, would be betraying his trust in a huge way... and fuck knows I'm the only one he's ever trusted, and he doesn't even trust me as far as I can hold him.
...I'm worried that he has some damage to his spine from some injury possibly as early as when he was 3 years old. He is always limping (well, after walking like, more than a bit). ...What if it just gets worse as he gets older? EGH. *sigh* I wish I was a doctor lol. I think I need a PHD just to talk to him.
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