So, me and Justin had another fight. It's too long to post, and I don't feel like re-reading it cause I might blow my brains out.
So he got upset that I was on a date last night. He is upset because I'm "not happy" with how things are now. I mean, I am happy, sorta. He's just upset that "I want more" i.e. a boyfriend. So I had to do a lot of back peddling and make sure I explained that he does make me happy blah blah. Cause I don't want to lose what we have, but honestly, I'm shopping around for a guy that will actually want me 100%.
He said he's worried about me. That I'm not the person I used to be. That I've changed a lot.. some of which is good, and a lot of which is bad. That hurt. Knowing that he's the second person to tell me that. I'm determined now though to tone it down. No more going out on weekdays... no more crazy partying. I'm done. I need to revert back to semi-old me. Somewhat boring me. But that makes me wonder, who am I doing this for?
Am I happy? No. I don't think I've ever been so depressed in my whole life. Do I need a man to make me happy? No... right? I feel like "no", is the right answer here.
I'm so scared of everything. I'm scared of losing him, I'm scared of losing me, I'm scared of loosing sight of what my path is in life. I'm terrified, and I don't know what to do. It nearly drives me into anxiety. But then I remember, I can only take small steps every day to make amends.
I texted him when I woke up if I could come see him tonight cause I'm in serious need of a hug..... I swear to god if he says I can't cause Shana is over, I might go ballistic. Then, I really know it needs to be over.
God, I didn't realize how freaking depressed I am until last night. I mean I knew it wasn't good... but it sucks. I wake up feeling like shit every morning... except for that one morning where I KNEW I got Justin all to myself for the night. ONE DAY! I woke up happy ONE DAY since Alan broke up with me. Maybe I need to talk to him. Ugh, Alan used to be my best friend in the whole world. I don't really have anyone of the same caliber now. IT FUCKING SUCKS.
Oh and yay, I get to go give therapy to people today, when my own life is a goddamn mess. Fuck a large monkey nut. UGH. |
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