So I thought I would write about this right away before it gets out of control. I think it's finally bothering me that my ex is dating someone new. Let me delve into the background so that you're not all confused:
Like I mentioned before, we had been dating for 9 years. We lived together for the last 1.5. He started becoming really good friends with his co-worker Katie. I was ok with it, but started getting jealous when he was spending way more time with her than he was with me. He would text her back instantly, and I wouldn't get responding text messages from him at all. All his co-workers (I know them too) started becoming suspicious and warning me about stuff. I was good friends with her too. She's a nice girl; sporty and a super virgin. (Many people thought she was a lessie)
Anyway, when he broke up with me, he said that he just wasn't sure if he was still in love with me, and he didn't wanna drag it out.. blah blah blah. So the first thing I asked him was if it was because of Katie. He said it wasn't. Anyway, we had to break the lease and I moved back in with my mom. Oh and here's the kicker. He moved in with Danny (a friend of mine and also his coworker), and KATIE. Either way, my ex came over 2 weeks ago to tell me that he's "gonna give it a shot" with her. And I was fine with it. I was really emotionally unresponsive. I mean, I kinda saw this coming.
Anyway, I found out he went on vacation to Newport, RI this weekend. They're coming back on Tuesday. I mean, I shouldn't care.. but it's kinda been eating at me for the past few days... I mean just thinking of them sharing a bed. I mean they are both super prudes.. so it's unlikely that they are even sleeping in the same bed, let alone have sex together. Though.. maybe she was planning for her first time to be all magical on vacation and shit. I don't know.. I mean I shouldn't care, it's not like I'm not having sex. (With someone who has a bigger dick and is 100000x better at it, thank you very much!) But honestly I think I'm ok with their relationship because I'm certain it's gonna fail. I mean not to sounds like a cocky bitch, but I am SO much better than she is. I'm an actual WOMAN, she's just a silly little girl. I mean like I said though, they are both prudes.. so maybe it will work out for them. I think I'm gonna get really pissed if he proposes to her, cause he was supposed to marry me. He had money saved up for a ring and everything.
I mean, I'm glad he broke up with me though, cause I'm discovering so many things about myself that I would have never found out if I was still with him, and quite honestly I would have never slept with j1 if it wasn't for this breakup and I'm hella glad for that. He's been the most exciting thing that's happened to me in a long, long time. It's just an added benefit that if my ex ever finds out it will destroy him. (Well maybe not anymore, cause he has Katie now and the whole "platonic friendship" theory is thrown out of the window)
Either way, the more time passes where I don't speak to him, the more I start loathing him. Maybe my "anger" phase isn't setting in till now? I thought it was kinda weird that I was "over" him within a few weeks. I mean, I have no desire to ever have him back (esp now that I know what a real man is supposed to feel like), nor do I think about him like that anymore. I mean sure, I loved him with my entire being, but I don't think we can ever go back to that. This is so mean of me, but I want him to be miserable and I want him to feel horrible for what he did to me. I was (or thought I was) the happiest I'd ever been; blisfully happy. I thought I was going to get married (I had my dress picked out), have kids, be a house wife with a part time job. You know, white picket fence and all. Well that was crushed.
Now that I'm single though, I feel like I have new goals. I really want to focus on my career (well sorta, I'm very lazy  ), start my own practice, and honestly just take men as I wish. I know that sounds terribly slutty, but really, I don't want any sort of emotional relationship. That's what I have friends for. I just want to take and leave men as I please. I think it probably has something to do with feeling a certain kind of power as well. I mean, I don't really feel that way with j1 (cause I like to submit to him). Oh that brings me to my next point:
I don't know how many of you are familiar with the notion of "alpha" males and "beta" males. (If you're not, read this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alpha_(ethology) ) I told you before that j1 is an alpha. There are plenty of betas out there, most of us marry betas since they are good providers. Well... of late I really think I want nothing less than an alpha. I mean, by no means do I think I can tame an alpha, as a matter of fact I have no desire to. I would rather live alongside an alpha (and let him do his thing with other women) than settle for a beta. I feel like at this point, I deserve an alpha. This might sound contradictory, but it's really attractive to have someone who doesn't constantly have time for you. Like for example, j1 ALWAYS makes me wait, and never makes solid plans. That sounds like he's a total asshole, but it just makes me want him more. I mean, he'd be there for me if I really really needed him (I mean he wouldn't be my best friend if he really was an asshole), but for him to do things like that, or not text me back instantly, makes him WAY more appealing. Who wants a stage 5 clinger anyway?
Either way, this entry is WAY to long, so I'm gonna go now before your eyes start bleeding!  TTYL |
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