661 the more I learn about myself the more I hate myself 9 27 2014
Apologies for being all over the place. Trying to reconstruct a conversations and my thoughts from a time that I was internally emotional
I have not been eating or sleeping like I usually do since I got back from my trip.
Even more alarming, I have not been watching sports much and not cared about it much.
As much as I hate what Dominique did or didn’t do, she spoke a lot of truth that I did not accept at the time because I didn’t want to hear it.
I went to my best friend’s kid’s birthday dinner. Well, I sort of invited myself but I’m allowed to do that.
However, on the way home from John dropping me off, he said almost the exact same things Dominique said to me.
I’m not sure how much I can write out. It’s too painful and there was a lot of things.
The people I meet
Lonely
Have problems
I think I can fix
On line-far away
On line is one thing, in person is totally different. You don’t know what really goes on. You only know what the person tells you. I could yes you to death on the net or on the phone.
My blindness
“Socially retarded” John called me. you don’t really interact with people in the “real world” Only at work or with family-friends besides that, you are interacting with people on the internet.
Dominique said the same thing but in a sharper tone. Saying I don’t know how to socialize with people. She said just talk about anything Jonathan. Ask people things you really don’t care about just to socialize. …
Body language-facial expressions I obviously can’t tell this at all and John says it’s a big part of social interaction especially when on a date or just trying to talk to someone in general. Obviously I’m well aware of this but for some reason, I never really thought of it in my situation.
This made me think what about Sexually? Because I’m not sexually active much, if I ever did get a lady to like me, would I really know what to do? I question myself now.
I brought up how my dad treats me verses how Dominique treated me.
In short, my dad is overly protective of me. I got so mad today when I got up from the kitchen table after lunch, and my dad was saying in a firm and slightly raised voice “hold on Jonathan, hold on.” I said what? he said “there’s a chair in front of you. I don’t want you to trip” This may sound like a nice thing for him to do-say but enough is enough about worrying about me. As I compared the two situations to John, how Dominique never batted an eyelash. She never wondered if I could do something, she just let me do it. Whether it was putting together two of her children’s beds or looking after her daughter and feeding her for two hours so she could take her son to school.
John agreed that my father does baby too much but as far as Dom goes, he says that she didn’t know any better and figured you knew how to do that stuff. That you have done it before.
He then brought up the date I went on 2 years ago, when the woman never told me that my drink ever came out. He said that a lot of people don’t know how to tell me about things, such as your drink is at 11 O’clock or that it’s on the bottom left. I said, ok, but Dominique did. She did and described things better than almost anyone else. He had also mentioned how he knows that I won’t fall because of how if I know I’m getting close to a step or an edge (and I don’t have my cane) I shuffle my feet till I feel it with my feet or the way I position my hands, even if I fall, I won’t break anything. (which, although I have not broken any bones by the record, doesn’t mean I won’t fall and break something)
But how that has anything to do with Dom trusting me with her house and her family, is beyond my comprehension.
I can be over Dominique but I did something really stupid
Indiana (he said her name)
On whatever night it was, I went to her FB page, read a few posts, cried some, on her FB FP she still has a link to her myspace account and that’s when I lost it, I fucking lost it. I heard her voice. That voice that I love so much and sounding so happy.
I didn’t do anything stupid though. I didn’t call or text or email her or anything. I only hurt myself.
John said “if she would call you tomorrow and say that she is sorry, can we talk again, you would talk to her again, wouldn’t you” and my response was, yes, in a heartbeat.
He reminded me that she has a BF and that she abuses her mentally. He said “and physically” I said no, not physically, just mentally. He said how do you know that? you don’t. You have no idea what goes on. All you know is what she told you and that’s it. You think just because you can talk to someone on line and see them for a few days that you see everything but you don’t know anything. You don’t know anything about her. You think you can just save her don’t you? you can’t save shit from where you are and even if you were there, you still couldn’t save her because she has problems. Someone who can’t get out of an abusive relationship has problems and that’s more than you can deal with besides, do you want to be a boyfriend or a counselor because you can’t be both. “I know “ Apparently you don’t know since you think you can fix her.
ME: Everyone has problems
Him: no, not everyone has problems Jonathan
ME: no???
Him: not problems like that. no. You are picking through the garbage. You can do better than that.
ME: It’s better than being alone.
Him: no it’s not. you would be dealing with issues every day. is that what you want?
Me: I rather be dealing with issues than being alone and lonely.
Him: no you wouldn’t. You know that or should know that better than me with all your fucking psychology degrees.
Me: it doesn’t matter because she’s not going to call me.
Him: it does matter because you are looking for any one and if she does call you would talk to her.
ME: if she did, I would take her back in a heartbeat but I can’t take her back because she was never mine in the first place.
Him: that’s right and you need to get over her because she lives out and the middle of nowhere and she’s no good for you.
(that’s pretty much all I can recall, I don’t even know if that was all correct but you get the point of the conversation)
He’s the same guy who says that no woman wants a guy who lives with their parents. A guy who doesn’t have a fulltime job and a lot of women don’t want a guy who is blind. It’s a lot of work. Even if you do a lot, it’s still something that a woman has to deal with.
So I just better give up on trying to find a woman because the only ones I will find are damage good who are looking for someone to save them but they wouldn’t want me anyways because I’m blind, don’t have a fulltime job and live with my parents at 36 years old.
Well, I feel great about myself now
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