714 A true diary entry

05/31/2015

714 A true diary entry 05 31 15

Dear diary, I woke up this morning feeling down. It felt strange to me. I have felt down before, I’m human after all, but I don’t ever recall feeling down upon waking up. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t like I was thinking of anything and it made me feel down, I felt that way upon waking up. Then I thought about it and wondered why or how I could feel this way and the more I thought about it, the further I fell down.

Just like most mornings, I woke up and sent Karen a text-email.
Today’s read: Good morning beautiful, can’t wait to hold u & kiss u again <3
I smiled…for a moment.

And then, like a rapid runaway river, all the negative thoughts and feelings flooded my brain again.

No fulltime job
No special lady of my own
My parents are …my mom isn’t talking to my dad and hasn’t for a few weeks now.
My mom owes me lots of money and I’m unsure how she’s going to pay me back.
I get to hear all the negative crap from both of them about each other and yet I see it myself about them.
I’m trying to plan a birthday dinner for my mom and my sibs are no help right now. I came up with a few places we could go and asked them which they thought would be best and my sister said “just ask her”. But that takes away from the bit of surprise plus hey, we can do this on our own. We’re grown adults.

Work, I just don’t want to work at my place any more. I’m so done with the place and the politics of it, the people playing games, and I (just like with my parents) hear the crap from both sides as well as seeing it for myself. I’m not doing what I want and I’m not happy there anymore. One of my coworkers, the one I worked best with, got a transfer to a better paying job within the company. My boss, was supposed to have left as of May first, she’s still there so I have NO IDEA what’s going on.

I’m trying to push myself to figure out this grant writing thing but the other day I got really really confused. I was looking up grants for a coworker (will get into in a moment) and all the grants I saw, was just a form you fill out. Some of them you need a special number you need to apply for which I never heard of and don’t know how to apply for it but I am not a part of a company so I don’t have any reason to have the number but even more so, was the forms.
In the class, I learned after you find a potencial good match, you have to write a letter of incory, just introducing yourself-your organization, and once you get a recognition, then you send in a bunch of documents but not the actual proposal. One they acknowledges they received those, then you can send in the proposal. However, I never saw any of that while looking at grants. I just see a few things that are required along with filling out a form, which, the form doesn’t have anything we learned that would be in the proposal… I’m so confused and frustrated.

My father fills out grants 4 times a year and I heard him talking something about grants last night and so I asked him.
He said that he never heard of doing request forms or post forms. He sends a letter of egknowledgement when he receives it but no big extravagant letter. SO… now I’m just confused about what to do.

A coworker of mine started up this youth program in a section of Boston 3 years ago. It’s her and 4 of her friends. They, the friends, meet twice a week at Parana bread. I had told her that I wwas taking a class on grant writing and and she asked me if I could help her. I said maybe. I told her I would go to a staff meeting, so I did. What I saw confused me. All I aw was chaos and them just chit-chatting. I had questions in my head how real this is and what it’s really about. She is trying to become 501C3 certified for a tax exemption-recognized “organization”.
I went to the meeting last night, I saw some similar things but also saw some planning-progress. I asked about the kids, how many are there. Where are they from. They talked about different events they want to have including a lemonaid stand, a movie night, a dog fassion show and a car wash…just to name a few. It all sounds good but I don’t know. She also asks for $10 a month from us, to cover the innicial cost. I only work 6 hours a week, I have my phone bill and I go out for dinner with my friends. Plus, I feel like I’m not invested into this. It’s not my community. I don’t know anyone. I have no ties to any of this beyond my coworker wanting me to come on bord to help her with grants but I don’t know. I’ll help for a bit and we’ll see.
They have “dues” which, I wasn’t looking to be paying into this, I was figuring I would get paid at some point for my service.

While looking for grants, I found a few for sports and women in sports. I asked my sister if they receive any or if I should look for any. She gave me the financial planner for the team’s email and I just introduced myself and told her what I would offer. I had not heard from her so that’s a wait and see.

As for the football game last night. I think my FB post says it all…
Well, except that it was played in Chicago and I was listening to it on a live feed…

THE BOSTON RENEGADES! DOWN TO THE UNDEFEATED CHICAGO FORCE 24-16 WITH 11 SECONDS TO GO! AND... A 41 YARD TOUCH DOWN PASS PLUS 2P CONVERSION TO TIE THE GAME! SENDING IT TO OVER TIME! WHERE WE SCORE ON OUR FIRST DRIVE! 30-24 BOSTON AND WE NEED TO STOP THE FORCE, CAN...WE...DO IT?! YES! YES WE DID! OMG! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT! I'M GOING CRAZY! GO CRAZY! WOW! GO BOSTON RENEGADES! GO CRAZY!


I sent a text-email to Lisa at some point before I got out of bed that read: U ever wake up & u just feel down for no apparent reason? She didn’t responds. Oh well.

It’s been very interesting… I saw someone posted a list of concerts they had been to resently. I have a running list I started about 4 years ago, trying to figure out how many concerts I have attended over the years including location, dates and opening acts. Thanks to bloop, I have found a few more. I have been reading through my diary, dating back to my original diary, before the famous bloop crash of 2008. It is amazing to read through and remember things I have done. Concerts, sporting events, weddings, funerals, people being born and allll my graduate classes. Within reading all these entries, I have also read some of the notes.

Since I’m so stupidly in love with Karen, I have especially noticed her comments over the many years since we have met on here. 12 years to be persise. I want to share a few of them. Although they are from years and years ago, before we even met, her words pretty much describes how I feel about her now.

02-11-2005
If only I knew how to put into words what I feel; to be able to say all that needs to be heardby your ears alone. I just can't get you out of my head. You haunt my dreams, and preoccupy my reality. I can't seem to get enough of you. I just love you...

10-21-2005
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

Yes, that is from 10 years ago, and yet from all those years ago, we only got stronger together.
I know that I never posted a Karen P3, but I will …someday.

When we chat, I’m on the top of the 9th cloud. When we don’t chat, if she doesn’t respond to my texts for a few days in a row, negativeness creaps into my brain. No matter how much shhe tells me how she feels about me and that she thinks of me more than I know and that she does dream of having a house with me some day. She says “Jonathan you worry waaay toooo much”.
But how do I not worry? She has a BF who she shares a bed with every night. She only calls about once a week. She rarely responds to my morning messages (sometime’ she’s working and sometimes she is sleeping) and she’ll send me random texts.

But then she says things like the following

On my lunch break, wanted to say hi and thinking about you your texts made my morning a lot better. Had a dream about you driving last, remind me to tell you about it latah

And this, I know I have shared at least once but it puts such a huge smile on my face when I read it.
*poke* sorry lol. Got a call from my new boss about paperwork i need to fill out. Anyways i was thinking that it doesnt matter what you wouldnt be able to do, because the love and support youd give would mean more than cutting my hair *hug*

It is so difficult being so far away from her plus her being in her situation.
I want to be her, superman tonight

…
So, my parents are not talking.
My coworkers-supervisors are complaining –pointing figures.
I’m frustrated about work.
I’m frustrating with my grant writing venture.
I’m worried about my future with Karen.

I’m worried about my future in general.
And all of this, plus my Red Sox are not doing well… all this is probably why I felt –feel not like myself. I feel down. It sucks. I don’t feel productive and yet I feel unmotivated. I’m hope I can figure out my life.