Day 3 of my Indiana trip and saying goodbye

11/09/2012

I really really appreciate anyone who reads-comments this entry.
However, please reframe from commenting about Edward. I want to know what you think about Karen and I and or anything we did, not about Edward.
AND I keep thinking of things I left out but I cant keep editing this entry lol
Hope you enjoy. If it is too long to read at once, you can read-note multiple times.

Sunday 11-04-2012

I woke up, got ready for the day. Unfortunately, I wasn’t getting much sleep so it made the time slower till Karen was around. She called me to tell me she was letting Moagie out and then she’ll get ready and head over to pick me up for brunch. Before her phone call, I had a morning, tired face but as soon as I heard Karen’s cute “I just woke up” voice, it put the grin on my face and for most of the rest of the day.

Karen came into my room.
J: Naked boy!
K: (giggled) I don’t think so
J: oh, hmm I’m not here!
K: yes you are. I see you.

I got up from laying on the bed. She had came over to me and gave me a nice hug. Then we were off to the restaurant where she once worked. I still randomly tapped her shoulder when stopped at a red light or something and would say “yup, you’re real” She giggled.

We get to the crowded restaurant and get seated. We order drinks and then head up to the buffet. She told me what everything was and if I wanted to know she would explain using my fingers how big things were. I ended up getting 2 pancakes, 2 sausages, 2 hash browns and a big bowl of fruit. She then went up and got her stuff and she said she got 2 of everything too. I said that was my idea. She said yup, and it was a good idea so I did it too.

We didn’t know what to do today so she had brought her computer to the restaurant cause they had wifi and would look up things for us to do. She was reading a few things and checking prices. She asked me what I wanted to do. I said I didn’t care cause I’ll be with you. She said the same thing and since I’m the guest, it’s up to me. Knowing she loves animals, I said “ok, we’re going to the zoo” She loved that idea

It was a nice sunny day with the air being a bit cool but still nice enough to walk around. I don’t remember who paid but there was a little girl next to us in line and Karen said to her “what are you going to do at the zoo?” the little girl says “I’m going to save the animals” Karen thought that was the cutest thing in the world.

We get our tickets and go in. It’s this HUGE! Opened land with a yellow line to follow. Although, the line was sorta zigzagging and sorta goes from like 3ft wide to 4 ft wide to 2 ft wide to 3 to 2 to 4…I told Karen “It’s a drunken line” we both stopped and started laughing about what just came out of my mouth. So we tried to follow the drunken line the best we could. I said, “I’m getting dizzy” she goes “nah, you’re just getting drunk trying to follow the drunken line” we laughed more.

Here is the most amazing part of the week end… With every animal we came to, she would take my hands and show me how big each animal was and how wide they were. If there was a mark on the animal she would draw it on me. She would describe color and behavior… I was floored with shock and excitement. She said that my reaction to each of the animals she described was one of her favorite parts of the entire weekend. There was a description of each and she would read that along with a history of the specific animal.

There was about 8-10 different types of birds. There was snow leopards, zebras, lamas, camel and some animal that was related to the camel. Gorillas, (of which a hand print of the gorilla was on the wall…my hand fit in the palm of the gorilla’s hand…barely.) There was polar and grizzly bears, hippos, they had a pooma, giraffe, elephant, Rhino, and my favorite,
K: It’s Simba and Narla!
J: awesome!

I was trying to think of where we could get a picture of us together since we had not got one yet. I thought…this is the perfect time. So we did. I thought it was pretty cool. There was also at least three “houses” we didn’t go into. As soon as we opened the doors we gagged. However, there was a place where you could pet goats. So we went into the petting part and there was 2 different types of goats. That was pretty cool.

Here is the URL to all the animals they have.

http://www.louisvillezoo.org/animals/index.htm

We ended up walking around for 3 hours. Our legs were killing us.
We went back to the house so I could say good bye to Moagie and Edward. I played with Moagie. By this time, she had ripped the 3 entwined rope and the ball that was in between the knots, became her new toy. So now instead of a rope with a ball in the middle, she had 2 big knots and a ball. I was trying to get Moagie to face me but she kept pulling the rope across my lap so then I took the rope, or what was left of a half, and put it right in front of my stomach. When she grabbed on, I lifted her up and she put her paws on my chest where I was able to talk to her face to face and say goodbye. Told her that I had a lot of fun and that I’ll be back soon to play again.

We, or I, had my mind made up Friday, that we were going to go to Olive Garden on Sunday night. We did go. There was no wait, which was a surprise to me but I did have Karen put her name in before we left the house. I said bye to Edward and we were off to the restaurant.

Olive Garden
We ordered our drinks and she was going to read me the menu but asked if they had chicken broccoli and ziti. She said they didn’t. So I told her that I would have them make me a dish. I explained to her that if you go to any Italian restaurant, unless it’s pre-made, you can have any pasta, any sauce and anything else and put it together. I was going to have them make me a broccoli and penne in a butter garlic sauce. We chatted , don’t recall conversations. Eventually the waiter came back, took our order. I thought they bring the salad and bread sticks when you order but they bring it after that.
We had a conversation about peppers. I told her that I didn’t like olives and she said she did I said good, you can have my olives and I’ll have your pepperoncini.
K: your what?
J: pepperoncini, the vinegar peppers that come with the salad?
K: I never noticed them.
J: they’re a vinegar pepper with seeds in them.
K: oh, hmm why is it that every guy likes hot peppers?
J: I don’t know. I know I like them. I love jalapeño peppers. But I love the flavor of them, not just the hotness.
K: well, my father likes hot peppers, my brother likes hot peppers. Nick likes them, and you like them too.
J: (hmmm) I don’t know any woman that likes hot things. I don’t know

The salad and breadsticks came. There was 3 bread sticks. Karen gave us each a stick and a half. I was enjoying my salad and told that this is the first time I’m having a salad this weekend. I told her that I love salad and when I go without for a few days, I crave it. I said the best part about a salad is that it can be different each time. If you put a different salad dressing on it, it’s a different salad every time.
She said that she eats salad almost every day at work but she doesn’t put salad dressing on it. I said “you eat salad naked?” She: yup, my clients look at me weird too. Every once in a while I’ll put something on but I only like a few types.
Our food came out much too soon. I was only half way done with my salad and had a bite of my breadstick. I asked Karen if they got my dish correct. She said that she thinks so. There is pasta and a garlic sauce and a side of broccoli. After finishing my salad I cute the broccoli up and dumped it onto my pasta and mixed it up a bit. It was a bit creamy. It was not what I was use to but it was still good. I told Karen how my roommate would take a little cup of butter, put it in the microwave to melt it, put garlic in it and then dump it on the tornalinis. Oo was that good. Even today when I go over his house that’s what we have. His wife always asks what he’s making and he says it’s Jon’s favorite.
I only had 2/3rd of my dish so she took mine and hers home for two meals. I picked up this tab and she gave me an Andy’s mint. Mmm my favorite.

One of the conversations we had in the car was that she said
K: I hope you will tell me if I’m doing too much or not enough. I want to make you feel enabled (that wasn’t her word but close enough) but if you do need help, I want to help you.
J: You do help a bit too much but I’m enjoying the tension. (we both laughed) Like at the house, I have to ask you to bring me to the bathroom each time but if I knew the place better, like at the hotel, I can get around myself. Once I memorize a place, I’m good but someone has to teach me first. Mobility is a weak point of mine. I have no idea how other blind people do it.

We got back to the hotel. We planned on watching a movie so I asked her which one. I took them both out (I brought fever pitch and good will hunting) she said fever pitch. I said are you sure? She said yup, I’ve been wanting to watch it for years and just have not found anyone to watch it with me or when I go to rent it, it’s not in. so now I get to watch it with you.

She had her computer there from earlier when she left it at the hotel room after brunch. So she set her computer up on the desk but she was having problems with something. I asked what it was and she said that her computer doesn’t have the proper component for the DVD player and is trying to DL it. I said let me just get my laptop. She said no, it’s ok. Two minutes later she said, ok, now you can get your computer. . She shut down hers and I fired mine up. When my speech program came up I told her how to shut it off. I said “there, now it’s just a regular computer.” She said “it always was just a regular computer” (meaning my speech program doesn’t bother her)

We laid on the bed. I was rubbing her back and shoulders thinking this would be the start of something amazing and fun. She took her sweater off and I figured that was a good sign. I continued to rub and she said a few minutes later that she was cold so she put her sweater back on. I felt bad, thinking I did something wrong or was going too fast for her or something. We both laughed during the movie. She loved the movie and of course I did too. She said that it reminds her of me. During the movie, Lindsay says to Ben “when your girlfriend asks you to go to Paris, you say yes. You don’t run to the schedule and figure out who’s pitching.” I said to Karen that I would go with her to Paris if she asked me. (I think she grinned at me) A moment later I said, well, except if the Red sox are in the world series. She said ok, deal. She said she loved the movie and I loved that I got to watch it with her and that she did enjoy it.

Emotional conversation
(I am going to try to remember everything but do to that emotional state of mind I was in, I won’t be able to remember much and not in much of a chronological order so take each section as its own)

(we were standing up and came together for a hug)
J: I’m sad that I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I don’t want to go.
K: I don’t want you to go either.

(she sat on the desk chair, I was standing up in front of her, holding her hands)
J: Remember yesterday when I was playing with Moagie? You were sitting across from me giggling, laughing, saying “aww you two are so adorable” and “it looks like Moagie has a new best friend”? remember that?
K: mmhhmm
J: Well, I was thinking of something and of course a song ran through my head. I was thinking, if she thinks it’s cute I’m playing with her dog, what if it was…our…child? (deep breath) and this song, (deep breath) by Bryan Adams, called have you really ever loved a woman played in my head.
K: don’t know it
J: (swaying, holding her hands and singing…) When you can see your unborn children, in her arms, you know you really love, a woman. You love a woman, tell her that she’s really wanted. You love a woman, tell her that she’s the one. She needs somebody, to tell her that it will last forever. So tell me have you ever, really really ever loved a woman
J: I hope that’s not too much
K: (soft, emotional tone) no

J: would you mind if we go sit on the bed. My legs are feeling like jelly.
K: sure
(we sat on the bed, she was sitting Indian style, I was sitting on my legs (I think) facing each other, most of the time we were either holding hands or hugging)

J: I know this is wrong of me to say, but when I see you and him interacting, I just, I don’t see love. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t of said that
K: no, it’s ok. You know, some days he makes me feel like shit and other days, I just ignore it.

K: I want to show you one more scar I have. (takes a finger of mine and traces a few little scars on her wrist)
J: what are they from?
K: from when I cut myself. (of which I’m the only one who knows about that.) and here is my butterfly. (outlines the butterfly on her wrist)
(I put my hand on her upper left breast)
J: is this where your heart is?
K: no it’s here (moves my hand slightly)
J: (draws a butterfly on her with my finger over her heart ) It’s a butterfly
K: it’s beautiful (softly spoken, maybe with tears)
J: not as beautiful as you are though
K: oh whatever
J: Come on, you’re beautiful
K:No I’m not.
J: how, how do you not see yourself as beautiful?
K: I don’t know
J: when you look in the mirror you don’t see a beautiful woman?
K: no
J: well, now that I know what you look like, I can honestly say, Karen you are beautiful
. (drawing out each syllable of beautiful)
K: thank you but I just don’t see myself as beautiful
J: (holding her hands, looks off to the left, says “thank you Bon Jovi”
J: (looks at her again and sings) “I wish I was a camera sometimes. So I can take your picture with my mind. Put it in a frame for you to see, how beautiful you really are to me.

J: Karen, I love you
K: I love you too Jonathan
J: You know that when I say I love you, it’s more than just a friend, right?
(she didn’t respond verbally, I put a hand on her head, and she nodded yes)

K: I have all these thoughts in my head and it’s like if you have a fish bowl with lots and lots of fishes. It’s so confusing. It’s all cloudy.
J: I know.
K: I don’t know what to do. I can’t focus on them.
(she talked about some of the fishes in her head)
J: What about the fishes that have to do with just me.
K: They’re calm

J: (deep breath, holding her hands)
K: (gently squeezes my hand)
J: I know that during the movie, I was rubbing your back, kissing your neck and shoulders. You know that I want sex and I know you want to have sex too and it’s ok that we didn’t have sex. It really is ok. (I paused, gathering my next thoughts) I’m going to guess that for some reason, and I don’t need to know, but that you are scared of having sex.
K: I am (soft, emotional voice)
J: And I get that. I’m ok with it.(pause, gather thoughts) I know whenever you are ready, I will be ready.
K: (softly spoke ) thank you
(We leaned forward, hugged, shed a few tears)
J: I love you Karen
K: I love you too Jonathan.
J: I don’t want to go.
K: You know, this weekend has been like a dream, and I don’t want to wake up.
J: I have thought the same thing and even said it to a few people. It’s been a like a dream and I don’t want to wake up.

*not sure where this fit into the conversation*
J: I was thinking, and hopefully I can come back down in either late January or early February. Or you know, I saw that Bon Jovi is going on tour next year, if he came down here, I’ll take you.
K: that would be a lot of fun. I would love that.
J: I would too. You would be able to see a side of me that very few others have. The Bon Jovi Crazy Jonathan.
(she giggled)
J: Then my sister is getting Married next October. I would love if you could come to that.
K: there would probably be a lot of people there?
J: Probably
K: I would love to go.

(Her phone vibrated a few times, she had got a few text messages)
K: I should probably get going. It’s late and I have to wake up in 8 hours.
J: ya, me too.
(we got off the bed)
J: how am I going to get up? I don’t have an alarm clock?
K: what are you worried about (giggles) you are up anyways.
J: that’s true.
K: but just in case, if I don’t hear from you I’ll call you.
J: ok. And If I don’t hear from you by, what time?
K: hmm by 8;30
J: right, 8;30 I will call you.
K: good.
J: but I’ll text you when I’m up either way and you can call me when you get up.
K: sounds good.
J: what are we going to do about the thing you made me? How are we going to keep it from breaking?
K: that’s easy. I’ll just wrap it with toilet paper.
J: good idea. You can use the entire roll if you need. I’m sure once I leave, they’ll just throw it away anyways.
J: (went over to my suitcase, pulled my clothes out for the morning, not caring if she saw my underwear and laying the clothes on my bed. I go back over to the desk, picking up the bat and the peg and back to my suitcase to put them in.)
K: here’s the ball, it’s wrapped up nice and tight. You may want to roll it up in some clothes.
J: good idea. (as I take it and roll it up in the jeans I had on the day before) there, it should break now.
K: and here is your DVD
J: thank you.
(We went back to the desk where I ran my fingers over the surface) and what are these papers?
K: (takes them from me) (tells me what they all are)
(walked over to the night stand to see what else is over there)
K: I put your cane on there, next to your wallet and phone. And don’t forget about the pieces of paper. (with Braille on them)
J: (picks them up)
K: you are going to keep them, aren’t you.
J: yup, especially this one. (pulls out the one that says “I love you”) (I put them in my bag)
J: ok, I guess that’s everything.
K: Karen looks around, naming where everything is)
J: and my toiletry bag is in the bathroom and that is the last thing.
K: Ok, I really should be going now.
J: ok.
(we hugged tight and closer)
J: thank you for letting me come and meet you. I had an amazing weekend.
K: It’s the best weekend I had in a really really really long time. Thank you for coming all this way.
J: I love you Karen.
K: I love you too Jonathan.
(she squeezed me a little tighter to her, she kissed my lips, I kissed hers. Put our cheeks side by side again before breaking away.)
J: You don’t have to worry about me calling you on your way home. I already said I loved you.
K: (giggled) see you in the morning.
J: good night, sweet dreams.

Monday 11-05-2012

I got up, got dressed. Texted Karen to let her know I was up. She called me a few minutes later to let me know that she was letting the dog out then she would get ready and she would call me when she’s on her way.

K: good morning. Ready to go?
J: I guess so. You sure I can’t take you with me?
K: I know I’m small, but I don’t think I’d fit in a suitcase.
J: probably not.
(long tight hug, I love yous.)
K: ready to go?
J: as ready as I’m going to be.
(stopped at the front desk. Checked out. Got in her car and we were on our way to the airport)
(we talked about what our favorite parts were of the weekend. My favorite part was the first hug, the moment I realized she was a real person. Someone I could touch, feel, etc. Another favorite part I told her was the way she described everything. She said that my reaction to her describing things at the zoo, was her favorite part. Which, to me, is amazing. Some people, it’s forced and doesn’t give a good description. Even when not forced, still not a great description. Another of my favorite parts was when she wrote “I love you” in Braille. And also the gift she made me… heck, there wasn’t many moments when I was in her present, that I wasn’t grinning and she agreed.
)

We got to the airport and parked. We got to the ticket window. The lady at the window said that if Karen wanted to go down to the gate with me she could. So she got a pass and we were on our way to the security check. They have a scanning machine that is a bit more than any I’ve been through. Not only do you walk through, you have to stop and turn sideways, and then after that, they pat you down. Karen gathered my things and put ourselves and my bag, back together and we were on our way to my gate. When we were just before it, we had about 30 minutes to burn so we sat, she found a dog behind us to go talking to and play with. Eventually she came back over to me where she put her head on my shoulder and I rested my head on hers. We were holding hands. Eventually we broke that and just sat up side by side. And talked till it was almost time to for me to board. We went over. Karen told the guy I needed assist. The guy said it would be a few more minutes. When it was time for me to board, the guy came over, told me he was ready to help me on. Karen and I got up, hugged, said our byes and I love yous. Told her I would call when I got back to Boston and I turned away, leaving my heart in Indiana.