How much can my shoulders bare?

02/09/2011

I'll up date about Leigh.
I called her Saturday and we talked about ten minutes. I sent her an email Sunday just letting her know that I was thinking of her. I called her Monday night but it went to voice mail and I was going to call her tonight but sent another email. So... I dont know.

I came to a realization today.
The people in my life truly has no idea what I am going through mentally, emotionally and do to them, physically. I was talking to someone and told them that my sister sent me a bunch of emails with job adds the Monday after. This person was shocked and then I told the person about my parents. I love my parents but they are not emotional people on top of never haven gone through what I am going this. They think I can just move on and that everything should be ok by now. For example... a few days after the event, my father theorized what happened. I told him that you dont know what happened. I dont want to know what you think may have happened. ... My father also has fire and police radeos in the house and Saturday night (excuse my father's racial ignorant) he heard something on the police scanner and said "ha, another shooting and it's a black kid dressed in black. no surprised there". ok, I'm use to (with a cringe) him talking bad about non-whites but why he had to say that? He said it non-shalantly and in my head I am thinking... that's someone's kid. that someone's friend, and that is how you react? My two close friends are not much better. They try to make fun of the situation to get me to laugh but it only angers me. I know that is there way to handle dificult things, it's their defense mecognism but it hurts and I just get so angry and sad and ...

I was sad to read on Boston.com (on line versions of the boston globe) that friends and family of Steffanie had a candle vidual last night as it would have been her 26th birthday. I wish I would have known and gone. Not that I know anyone who would have gone with me.

So right now, I am wanting to talk about the issue when I want to talk annd not on others terms but I'm holding most everything in because the reaction I get is to either move on or make fun of it or to reason the unreasonable.

still have thoughts... although it's getting easier
Still skipping songs on my mp3 player but not doing so with teers.



FIRST DAY BACK TO WORK

tomorrow, I am going back to work. Tomorrow my clients will come back to their home. Unfortunately, my coworkers are not ready to come back so my clients will be walking into the house with strangers of staff members from other houses.

I know how hard it was for me and my coworkers, I cant comprehend what it will be like for my clients and they are walking in to strange faces there.

I am going to go to work. I will be there from about 4-6 (my normal hours)
I am going to run a group with them, for those who want to join the group.
They are going to have questions, questions that I may not have answers for.
They are going to feel hurt, anger, sad and depressed .
They are going to have racing thoughts, anxiety, visual and auditorial illutions connected to the event.

I am not sure if I will be able to sit there and answer questions without teers falling.
I dont know how strong i can be if I can be at all.
I also know that I want to be there for the clients.
I want to try to help them through this as much as I can.

Here is a person who my clients worked with for 5 days a weeks every week since September.
They were closer to her then any of us were. (I believe)

AND I will do group work and maybe indevisual. However, the last time I did an 1-on-1, it was with HIM. I am doubting I can walk into that room and be ok. I may just have to do the 1on1 in the dining room. but what if a client wont meet with me unless it is in the office because they dont want the others hearing what they are saying?

This is going to be one of the hardest days of my life I think.

but I somehow have to be strong