dear bloop, I am frustrated with life and I'm started to admit to myself, I'm not sure who I am any more. Rather, the things I once enjoyed, I dont anymore. That I know, changes with life but you find new things you enjoy to replace those things you use to enjoy.
Baseball, Bon Jovi, writing poetry, eating Chinese food...these things ... these 4 things I am and will always be passionate about.
Watching, or rather listening to other sports, I dont know, it doesnt do it for me any more.
listening to music is nice, but some types of musics I use to tallorate, I cant. I still love my rock music but I use to enjoy some RNB but except for a handful of rock bands, the others, who I like, I dont like their new music. so... I dont know.
I use to enjoy going to casinos and playing slots or blackjack. The last few times, including yesterday, hasnt been enjoyable. Granted, I have not been winning and since I dont make -have much money, I feel like I'm just throwing it away. It also doesnt help that I'm going with my parents. My friends who have family-houses-cars-college loans, they dont go gambling.
can you imagine living with your parents and not having many friends so except for going out with my best friend once a week for dinner and going to work twice a week for a couple of hours, the rest of the time is spent watching games...with my father, having lunch with my mom watching "the chew" or having dinner, either at home or out for restaurants, with my parents. OH! that is something else that bothers me. When I go out Thursday night with my father and his friends, I pretend I enjoy it but it is so boring. We go somewhere, usually a place that has keno, so I throw away $20 a week there too in gambling. And dinner thursday night is like an all night thing. We usually go out about 7:30 and dont get home till about 10-10:30pm. They have a drink, we order apatizers, we eat that and another round of drinks and order dinner and we get our salads-soups and then we get our dinners. I dont know why I am surprised but when the bill comes, it usually comes out to about $35 a person. $35! I think...what the hell did I eat that would cost that much money but it's not me, its their drinks. That's about a week worth of my pay. So I'm working for my thursday night meal that I dont even enjoy. I do like the food but the company, they talk about either old times or where people are now. I just sit there. Ocationally if we're at a place that has the game on the tv, I'll asked or they'll update me on the score but the rest of the time I'm just sitting, wishing I was other places but realize that I have no where else to be.
I dont know if I want to be a counselor any more. I have been in this field, including internships, for 10 years. I know I dont want to be a licensed counselor any more. It's too much responsibility. However, if I am not a counselor, I dont know what I can do.
I dont know the difference between love and obsessed. I think I am being obsessed with Karen or maybe I'm just jealous or lonely or envious, or all the above.
I just wish she she was in a different situation ...I wish I was in a diffeerent situation.
I wish I could just find a job in Indiana, buy a house and just start my happy and simple life with Karen.
But life isnt a fantasy, that's just a fantasy.
Maybe I'm just living in my fantasy and let my fantasy cloud my reality.
I dont know.
I could go on but I'm going to visit my Nana. I saw her on Friday, it was her b day. She's 94. When my father was out of the room and it was just me and her, we talked, she knows I listen to everything she says unlike my father who sometimes hears what she says but doesnt listen to her. It is sad to me what my nana is going through but she knows -accepted that this is her life now. She knows her mind -memory is going. I asked if she watched TV she says "Jonathan, I do sometimes but there isnt anything on for me." I ask her if she watches the red sox gams. "I do when I can find it on the tv but it is just not the same any more. |
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