SUNDAY
thank you thank you thank you, thank you all for the notes with hugs. You are all wonderful friends.
Today was my Pa's funeral. It's definitely was one of the most difficult days of my life. It didn’t help that I got 2 hours of sleep.
I got up at 7, took a shower and got dressed in my suit. I had wanted to give my Pa a baseball but all the balls I have, has autographs. I found a Red Sox hat. It fits more since he always wears baseball hats. So I gave him one so he could wear forever, so he can root on the Red Sox from heaven.
Pa taught my older brother how to play pool so my older brother put a pool stick in. My twin put a picture of The baby, Devin. I'm not sure what my sister put in. My mom put a yomica from each of our Bar Mitzvah. They have our names on them.
We got to the funeral home about 8:15. It was poring cats and dogs. We went in to where the casket is. When I got near I starting crying -shaking. My mom walked me out of the room and into the family room. Eventually the people started coming in... one-by-one-by-one... I could barely speak. Most of the time, till I got home, I felt like someone was choking me on the very bottom of my throat. It took my voice away for the most part. My nana did better than I did. When she had saw Pa, she said that he looks wonderful. no wrinkles, nice hair cut, he looked 20 years younger. Most of all, my nana said he looked at peace and she was ok.
After a set amount of time, the family's door was closed and just the immediate family was in the room with the Rabbi. He did a little service where he explained this black ribbon which my father and nana wore and they had to tear it so signify they were in morning and to be sensitive of their feelings. Then we went into the room where the service is held. It holds 100 people...it was standing room only. There was about 120 people there.
The Rabbi did a very good job running the service. My father gave the eulogy. I was a little lost, I was hoping I could get up and tell everyone the baseball card story but after my father spoke, the Rabbi said a few more prayers and then we moved on to the cemetery.
Before that, my sister asked me if I wanted to say bye to Pa one more time. I did and something less than a whisper, I thanked him for introducing me to sports. I told him that I love him and that I will always remember him.
We drove over to the Cemetery. There was a few more people there. So maybe there was 150 people. They had a tent up for us to block us from the rain. The Rabbi did the other part of the service and part of the Jewish customs is to throw dirt on to the casket. I did that.
After that, we went back to my grandmother's place and we had a brunch. My father was able to save the hmm not sure what to call the room but it was a secondary kitchen-dining area for occasions like this. I sat down and people started trickling in. Some people came over to tell me they were sorry of my lost but only like 2 or 3 people came over to really sit down and chat. The time was going snail slow. My parents had a brunch… I had a bagel and some fruits. I felt sad and alone despite all these people in the room coming-going. My father asked me if I would like to go to my nana’s apartment to watch TV. So I went. I watched football. I was so mentally drained. My father had came back a bit later asking me if I wanted to go home, my uncle Joe was going home so I said yes, and when we got down there…Joe had already gone. However, my twin was getting ready to leave so I ended up going with him.
While on the way home, I was able to tell him about Karen.
I got home, watched sports the rest of the night and for dinner we ended up ordering out for pizza.
I did call Karen and she made me laugh and smile.
MONDAY
SITTING SHIVA
Sitting Shiva is a Jewish custom when someone passes away. There are a lot of different things that is done during this period but my family does not observe all of them.
As the Rabbi said, we don’t want the morning family to go into the community so we bring the community to the morning family. People bring food and help out around the house as much as they can so the family can grieve their loss. One thing is that we cover the mirrors. It’s a time to reflect on the person who passed not on our self. One of the customs is not to shave either. Again, it is not about what we look like. It’s not about us.
I got dressed up in dress pants and a Red Sox collared shirt and put on my red sox, socks. I kept thinking my Pa would say “you look sharp” or “doesn’t he look handsome”
I talked to Karen on the phone, she has been a huge help to me over this very difficult time. She has listened to my sorrows and she has also got me to laugh and smile.
my siblings were already here and my NANA and a couple other people.
DING DONG! Let the revolving door, begin
Most of the next 6 hours was pretty much a blur of “I’m sorry for your loss” “he was a good man” “can I get you something to eat or drink” “how are you doing” and “this is …” It was amazing the number of people who came and the extent of variability. Friends and family from far and near, from today to waaay back. There was people here who my parents haven’t seen in 31 years and there was cousins who haven’t seen me since I was 8. One of my twin’s best friend from first grade who they stuck by each other but lives doesn’t let them hang out much and my sister had a bunch of her friends here and some of their parents. Everyone brought something. We also had 6 fruit baskets …and two more came later on. The delivery guy asked my mom if she wanted them to put a hold on them and they can deliver them in a few days or even next week? She said yes.
Around 5pm the revolving door slowed down. It was pretty much the calm before the storm.
Then the revolving door started up again. More people, more food, more hi how are you? My mom’s x best friend and her daughter who I grew up with came. I was shocked. I have not seen them in at least 5 years.
I felt like my brain was becoming numb. I had to take a timeout, a break. I went down to my room and sat on my desk chair for a good long while but I kept the door opened. I didn’t want anyone to think I was sleeping if they came down. I FB messaged Karen to tell her that I was overwhelmed and needed a break. She gave me a virtual hug.
The Rabbi came to do a service called yiska. (close enough) so at some point, I moved to hmm the “bar room” (no idea how to explain the area of the house but it is the hall way that connects the dining room and the den and the room has a bar in it) I was standing next to the rabbi. My older brother was next to me and my father was next to him. Everyone had a prayer book. The Rabbi explained a lot of the customs and we read from the book in English. When it came to the blessings we said in Hebrew, I knew most of them by heart so I didn’t have to feel totally left out. I was able to sing those with the others who knew Hebrew.
There was 18 paragraphs and people took turns reading. It didn’t matter if you are Jewish or not. (if you wanted to be skipped you could, but no one did.) Then there was a few blessings in Hebrew which I knew and was able to sing along.
Then the Rabbi asked the immediate family if we wanted to say something about Pa. I’m not sure when exactly it started…but I emotionally fell apart. My father spoke first, telling a story about his father. My older brother was next, telling the story about how Pa got him into pool and would tell him what he was doing right or wrong and he said that he was able to beat a lot of people but he could never beat Pa.
Some point in my brother’s talking, I was a mess. My sister handed me some tissues. (I think it was her) and when it was my turn, the Rabbi asked me if I wanted to go, I nodded, took a deep breath and told the story I wanted to tell at the funeral.
In 1988, my grandfather came into mine and Justin’s room, called Robert in, and handed us each our very first package of baseball cards. (I was sobbing and shaking and all that) and it was my grandfather who introduced me to sports. Thank you Pa for giving me baseball.
(someone got me a chair to sit in after and more tissues) My twin took a turn but I couldn’t hear him over my own sobs. I don’t think my sister took a turn.
We finished up the services and I sat there for a little bit longer. A friend of my father’s asked me if I wanted a drink maybe a water? I thought that sounded good.
My twin’s old time best friend came over to me to chat. I asked him how many people he thought was there right then? He looked at the living room, the kitchen and the dining room and said “probably 60” So I am guestamating there was close to 200 people who came in that revolving front door throughout the day.
My father came over to me and asked me where I wanted to go. He said that Amanda (my sis) and her friends were in the den and my father and his friends were in the dining room. I didn’t want to go with either but I went with my father and sat in the dining room. I did what I do the best at…sat there and just listen to people chattering. Eventually people left and I went into the kitchen where my parents were, my sister, my cousin and aunt. My sister and her gf left soon after and my cousin helped my mom big time. She was helping with cleaning and putting things away.
When they left at 10:30, I was mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.
I went down stairs. Listened to baseball and called Karen then went to bed.
It was a very long and emotionally difficult few days.
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