What's the point of a diary? to write. So, here I am again.
I am not a person who uses curse words, (I dare you to find one in my diary) but... wholly shit. I felt like I just ran from heaven, to hell and back to heaven again, holding Karen's hand.
We spent over an hour on the phone of which the topic I will not discuss but it was deep, like, emotionally putting my hand in hell's oven, hoping I would say-do the right things to at least, help a friend who I deeply care about, who I love, to pull her out from this huge elephent that has been crushing her chest, breaking her heart.
I dont know how, but I did it.
I have no clue how she was able to tell me such personal details that most people would rather let it eat them alive than to tell someone, to speak the words she spoke to me. (no she did not commit a crime but to this lady who was brought up with Christian values, it might as well has been a crime) At the end she thanked me for being here for her and she said she loves me. Which, we've been saying for a little bit but I think tonight it brought a little more meaning.
It's amazing the comfort we have for each other.
To get her to laugh, after she thanked me, I said "you are still going to tackle me when you see me, right?" she laughed and through tears said "Of course. besides, I think you would enjoy me tackling you" I replied "hey, you arent supose to know those thoughts" she laughed even more. "I am glad I can make you laugh because when you laugh, I know there's a little smile on your face and when there is a little smile on your face, there is a big smile on my face. I hate seeing you in pain"
After hanging up with her of course I ran to my poetry to cope, to write about it.
Heavy pain cuts
10-10-12
Jonathan
My phone rang shortly after midnight
Hearing your voice, I was doing alright
We chatted for a few
Everything was cool
You have this giant guilt, eating you alive
This pain, this suffering, you weren’t sure if you could survive
For 5 weeks it just didn’t go away
It ate your heart, it burned your sol every day
This pain just built up
It was rough
You hurt yourself to numb the pain
But the pain came back again
Who to turn to, who would understand?
There is this one man
But what would he think?
I don’t want to lose him, my mind is running out of ink
I started to tell him but my voice got cut off
I want to tell him because I love him a lot
Something in me pushed me to go on
I think it was him, he told me to carry on
Through heavy tears
I told him everything, I felt bare
His understanding words and a great ear
He wiped away my fears
The elephant was lifted from my chest
I still feel some guilt but tonight I will be able to rest
My heart is cloudy but it’s getting a little clearer
I’m not quite sure how I am going to feel when he is nearer
I am glad you were able to tell me
I just want you to be pain free
I’m not sure what I would do…
I love you
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