An email conversation between a friend- former coworker (R) and myself (J). I took out the name of the company we worked for, for confadentiality reasoning but made note of others who worked with us.
If you are nice enough to read this entire entry and note it,
Please, be as harsh as you want or as nice as you want.
Am I missing something here?
R: jna
Dude, Glad you had a good time last night, if I were you I would prioritize some stuff as far as where you are headed, one of them is orientation skills and I have talked to you about this about 10,000 times I am not going to go over it again and again. That is one skill you should seriously focus on. But I am not going to preach.
The other is to contact all the job/rehab/work skills possibilities around disability, there was one I volunteered for over in Watertown, watertown seems to be the nexus for this stuff with Perkins right there. perkins even if you don't want to go there could point you in the right direction. Getting a contact there would be key.
Northeastern has the deaf programs and Alex (former coworker) was key on that, apparently my wife says they have a great program.
Best,
Rob
J: RE: jna
I've actually been in contact with the "job skills" person over at perkins for the last, hmmm 7? years. They primarily prepare students who would not be going to college after perkins. She always says that she would let me know if anything comes across her desk.
I remember when I needed an internship and I contacted their counselor to see if I could do an internship. The woman said that she doesn’t take on interns and in fact, she was the only counselor there. I also contacted the Carroll center for the blind, and got the same response.
Have I told you that you should go back and get a degree? you want to get some $20 an hour job, that is so unrealistic with out a master's degree in a specialization field. Unless you are a plummer.
My mom been telling me for years that I should go into sports counseling. I would not know where to begin or how much need there is for a sports counselor.
I could also work in the criminal justice system somewhere too with my degrees.
People who has read my poetry think I should put together a book and publish it.
EVERYONE JUST STOP! Please just stop?
I am going to run away and become a high wire walker for the traveling circus and I wont have to deal with any of this again.
and that is final
Jonathan
R: re:jna
Your right I should go back to school, unfortunately I am under a mortgage and I have a lot of bills to pay that makes climbing under another 18,000 in debt unrealistic, I will be slogging away unfortunately because my life demands it, if I am going to keep all I have now I have to just nickel and dime it. You on the other hand have no excuses, you could easily do whatever you want, it is just that you don't want to put in the effort and you know that is the truth Jonathan, you could go do an orientation class but that means a huge slice of humble pie, and I don't think your up for it. Who know I could invent the next can't live without it widget, and you could win the lottery so that would all go by the wayside. Where theirs a will theirs a way, frankly I think BOTH of us just have to suck up our egos and deal with it. Either were to good for it or to lazy to get on the ball about this type of shit, no amount of effort is going to change it is the wrong attitude. You or I are in a ton better shape then Joe (former coworker) or any of those other dudes because they are up their eyeballs in debt ( I am as well but luckily I have my wife), I am unwilling to climb under MORE debt, and you are unwilling to eat your ego about your limitations, that is holding us both in limbo. And whether that is going to change is up to you and me individually, as long as we are content to hobble along in this limbo that is our choice as individuals, but being powerless to change it is bullshit and both you and I know that is the absolute truth.
Rob
J: RE: jna
I want you to spend a few minutes and try to find a few counseling position for me. You know what I am looking for and you know what my qualifications are. You will see it is not as easy as you think. In return, I am going to make a list of all the companies I have wrote to for a job in the last 30 days to show you that I am trying to find a job.
Lazy I am not. Frustrated I am.
are you ready for the challenge?
R: Read this entire email before passing judgment
A few minutes will turn into 2 hours. I can probably do it. But dude, the reality is that whether you nail down a position or not there are some serious issues you need to address that have nothing to do with a job. If you don't get on top of this orientation issue, with getting around, using your computer, and living independently eventually all this shit will catch up to you whether you get a job or not. What happens if god forbid something happened to your parents? I hate to play devils advocate, but is your family just going to pass you down the line?
That sounds miserable. But dude the bottom line is this if you don't move towards orientation as a goal you may get a job you can deal with you may make 33,000 a year, but you will be no further along then if work never closed.
Increasing your independence should be the main focus of your life right now now that you have the time, you have completely different challenges then everyone else to ignore that is going to cause you long term grief that no job will solve.
I am up for the challenge, I will look and send your resume, but you have to promise me dude that you are going to do some orientation classes so you can increase your independence generally. Whether that is doing a JAWS course, or doing a taking buses and traveling course, or getting a seeing eye dog. Something that will move this process along so you aren't isolated with an XM radio and the red sox for the rest of time.
You know man one of my friends said to me once when I was in a rough spot, he told me the absolute flat out truth and it wasn't pretty to tell you the truth it pissed me off at the time. But he said something to me I will never forget,
he said "Sometimes the people who care about you the most aren't going to tell you what you want to hear" So dude in that spirit, this is me caring about you and though it is semi harsh, take it as "sometimes the people who care about you the most aren't going to tell
you what you want to hear".
If I can get a promise from you I will look for you and send your resumes around, but I want some proof that you are going to move towards this goal honestly and not just play me for a chump.
Peace,
Rob
J: a talk
I spent the morning putting together a list of the places I have applied to recently. I will send that to you later.
I was talking to a blind friend who lives down south this morning. I have known her for a few years. I was showing her parts of the email you sent the last few days regarding mobility. We came up with, "what does he want me to be able to do?"
I can get around myself by using The Ride. It has been very reliable to get me to-from work and school. Plus they are opened from 5AM to 2AM.
I wanted to attend this meeting in Framingham last month. I didn’t know anyone going, and I don’t know the area at all. I called the ride, told them the address and the time I wanted to be there. I called the person who was running the meeting, she made sure there was someone at the front door to assist me to the meeting room. I had told the person ahead of time the time my ride was picking me up, and I missed the last 30 minutes because it went long. I got someone to walk me to the front door to catch my ride and got home, all by my self
Isn't that independent?
How about when I went to NY or DC and my parents would drop me off at the ticket window, and (well the times they actually did their job at Peterpan) they had someone come and get me to my terminal, board, and when I got off, they would have someone bring me up stairs to meet nikki. (even though that only works smoothly once. I am glad I had my father and nikki to help me the times they didn’t do their jobs)
Isn’t that independent?
How about me getting around schools and places of work?
I have a mobility instructor who you met once. The guy who did the mobility thing for work that one time. he would pick me up and take me to the place I needed to learn. We would map out the building using either legos or tape on paper or raise lines on paper.
We would first learn just the places I needed to and eventually others that were less likely places. Heck, it took me nearly 2 months to memorize a campus at Salem state college. However, my junior year I needed to learn two other campuses, so we went and I think it only took me a few weeks. They were pretty simple, or rather, I only needed to know where a few things were, not the entire campuses.
I did the same for work. Before I started, Tracey let me come in to see the layout of the building. It seemed big and confusing. However, after mapping it and going over the map and through the building twice, it was quite easy
When I find another job, I will do the same. Call up the state, tell them I need mobility, ask them if I can use this guy, and they will send me a paper for him to fill out at the end of my training and I will have learned a new place.
so, what do you want me to be able to do?
Jonathan
R: What the hell!
Dude, I don't want you to be able to do shit, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO.
The thing that galled those guys at work was your lack of motivation around taking that shit on. What the fuck am I speaking French here. It isn't what everyone else wants you to be able to do, it's like your looking for approval outside yourself, FUCK THAT BULLSHIT! You know what you need to do, either do it or don't do it, Christ it's like being your friend is such a fucking honor, dude, I don't care what you do. Do something do anything. Sometimes man you have such a minimal level of introspection, like the whole world is expecting something of you so you send me a list a mile long of jobs you applied for. When that isn't even the fucking point of what I said. The point was you have some shit YOU need to do, I have some shit I need to do that has nothing to do with work. Are you such an idiot that you think making 33,000 a year is going to solve all your problems. Come on man?
You need to give me some better reasoning then that, YOU KNOW you need to work on mobility shit if that isn't obvious to you, then your not paying attention.
Approval is for the birds, do what you want, BUT DROP YOUR FUCKING EGOMANIAC BULLSHIT, YOU HAVE 4 DEGREES AND YOUR A FUCKING GENIUS ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THAT!!! The truth is I don't have an education, and you don't have your arms around your disability and that makes us TWO FUCKING IDIOTS! And that my friend is why everyone at work looked at us cross-eyed. They couldn't figure out why I was hanging out with you, and they couldn't figure out why you were hanging out with me. Your point is well taken, but it isn't the point. it's quite obvious we need to make some changes in our lives and if your not getting that then you need to pay attention to yourself. Shit man what the fuck is that voice in your soul telling you, are you that completely oblivious. GODDAMN MAN I AM YOUR FRIEND STOP BULLSHITTING ME I KNOW YOU TO WELL!!!
Rob
J: RE: what the hell!
I'm sorry, I had to laugh at that. I sent you two completely different emails replying to you with two different topics.
You are a great friend.
You give me some great ideas.
You help me when I ask.
you had said that if I work on mobility you would find jobs for me. didn’t you? that was that email.
the other email, completely different thought.
I just wanted to know what mobility you think I need? As I thought about it, I travel around very well. I just typed out the different places I was able to go by myself. So it is true that I never memorized every train station, I get around pretty well.
What I want?
long term goals
1. to earn a doctorate degree
2. to get married
3. to visit all MLB stadiums.
short term goals
1. to find a job.
2. to continue to do the best I can at work.
3. save money towards a condo.
Sometimes you say things that make me wonder if you have forgotten that I am blind, I do have a hearing disability, I do have tactual desensitization in my fingers. I do have a leg shorter than the other which makes walking strait very difficult.
A job wont solve my disability, but a job even at 33k, would make life a lot easier. I could move out on my own. which would give me my own kitchen and I could start to cook again, do laundry completely independently, (my parents washer you need to see to set up) .
Did you know when I was in college, my jr and sr year I cooked? sure, most of the time it was on the George Forman, but eventually I learned how to do pasta.
If I am dumb, fine, but I don’t understand what more I can do mobility wise. Should I be able to walk into a building I've never been in and be able to find my way around?
I would never write an email like that to you.
It must be really nice to be able to see and hear well.
Being able to get up and drive where ever when ever you want.
Being able to pick up any book and read it without having to have it specially ordered.
Must be really nice not having to skip over jobs that say "drivers license required"
How is it to walk into a large and noisy room and have conversations?
Having a beautiful wife who makes all the money while you email some idiot of a friend who is trying his hardest to find a job.
You are frustrated and angry at your life too.
I can tell in your words. and that is ok.
I take no ill will from you.
Jonathan
R: And than you lay a guilt trip on me
Jon,
You have some limitations dude, hell I have limitations. I still want to conquer that shit in my lifetime. You think I am hammering you into the wall, that is not the case.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life, it must be great to see, it must be great to jump in my car, etc......... Dude, I have known no other thing in my life I completely take it for granted, then again I don't have degrees in school, I hate school.
WHAT MOBILITY DO YOU WANT, stop asking everyone what you want, what the fuck do you want, then start very fundamentally building that dream, if I were
you I would want to get around on my own, if I were you I would want to network with people who shared similar issues, if I were you I would want to be hooked up with a community of people who understood me, if I were you I would want to be able to cook and would look seriously for resources and possibilities that would get me actively moving towards that sort of a goal, I forget you are blind, your right I do forget that because you are my friend. I don't give a shit that you are blind, you
are capable of doing almost everything that anyone else can do, BUT YOUR FUCKING EGO IS GETTING IN YOUR WAY. Somewhere in your head you think you are above the fundamental bullshit of life, that it isn't good enough for you to live in a group housing for blind people or
to work in a workshop or go to a class with just blind people. AND THAT IS YOUR FUCKING EGO, what the hell is wrong with admitting your just another person, what are you gaining from playing that game with yourself, it is isolating the shit out of you man. You live in a neurotic delusion rather then accept the reality that your blind and that is a challenge, it can be a motivator as well.
I have to tell you dude, that it used to drive Joe nuts at work that that (blind) women would take the bus to work every day from Haymarket to do the substance abuse groups. And I even saw her there, she was just asking people nicely to help her on the bus, they didn't spit on her and throw eggs at her man, they helped her and
she sat near the bus driver so he could tell her what stop she would get off at. Now why are you not capable of doing some type of similar thing ( and don't run out on the highway and start hitchhiking) but she had a method for her disability, you need to get around those method people to gain autonomy and independence, THOSE ARE THE TYPE OF PEOPLE YOU NEED TO SURROUND YOURSELF WITH MAN! It needs to be said man, I am not about supporting you or enabling you to continue like this, clearly XM and the Red Sox isn't working, you are wasting years of your life, disability or not. I want for you to get on with living the best life you can, by accepting some of your limitations and working towards independence seems like a noble goal to me. I would imagine that if you seriously buckled under and got involved with that community of people you would have more friends then you know, new friends, old friends you wouldn't lose a thing.
what you would lose is this delusion that you are better then other people which is holding you back, what you would lose is this "I am better then this" bullshit that
is keeping you locked up. You have to have some courage man, and I would imagine that many people would support you around achieving that type of a choice. You need to be willing to take the first step or the first stumble and crack your head open, so what, you can laugh while you bleed! Wing it man, take a chance on your future, roll the dice. I believe you can do this man, if I doubted you were capable of it I would never say any of this shit, but you aren't 5 years old, though it may require
you to have a 5 year old mentality to relearn this "alphabet of living" that requires your patience and a whole different perspective on how to approach that. Instead of envying everyone around you why don't you seize on what you have, hell Alex (deaf coworker)did it? What was so special about Alex? DUDE, THIS IS THE SHIT THAT CAUSES PEOPLE NOT TO WANT TO HANG WITH YOU, THAT WAS JOES REASONING THAT WAS MIGUELS REASONING THAT WAS EVERYONE I EVER TALKED TOO'S REASONING FOR WHY THEY HONESTLY WOULD GET COMPLETELY AGGRAVATED WITH YOU!!!!!!
I never felt that way. But I can see where they were coming from. This is some shit you can do something about.
Rob
J: I just, don’t know what to say
I love my life.
I have a great family who is caring, loving and supportive.
A few friends who give me crap but are always there for me when I need them.
I have good physical and mental health.
I am blessed to have a great memory.
I don’t worry about much in life.
someone sang to me once upon a time:
"I don't worry about nothin' no
Cause worrying is a waste of my fucking time"
So, every day I look for jobs, applying to the ones I can do.
Trying to think outside of the box, criminal justice, disability, teaching, etc, knowing the economic state we're in, I am lucky to have a job, and even more so, one I enjoy.
I know that one day I will be married, living in a nice condo, have a nice job and my goals that I have set out for myself at the young age of 14, will
be complete, someday.
But for now, I am going to go listen to Bon Jovi.
G.D bless
Jonathan
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*hugs*
