Dear diary:
My best friend John, who I have known for 25 years, Even when his family “moved away” when he was only 10, he still biked his way back the 14 miles just to see me. I was his best man at his wedding. He followed me to Salem State College for school.
He called me up two weeks ago to tell me that he and his wife have been going to counseling for a few months and that she has been depressed, going to sleep at 8PM and not eating. We went out for dinner just me and him. He told me how she is not happy. She didn’t want a divorce but she wanted him to change. She says that they only do what he wants to do. Never what she wants to do. (and even I will admit it’s true) He said that he would change...and he did.
The same week, he got into a one-way fight at work. A guy who is here on a work visa from Germany. He was a cool guy. Joked around with John a lot (john is a joker-jerk) Just the day before the said day, a bunch of guys went for a work lunch and this guy was sitting in the front seat of John's car with him to-from the restaurant.
The setting was this...It's Thursday about 4pm and it was the day before a predicted big blizzard. A bunch of guys were sitting around "shooting the shit" and joking around. The guy was walking past John and had a front backpack. John leaned over and unclipped the bag and it fell to the ground. The guy said to John in a loud and demanding tone "PICK IT UP" John, taken back, said no. (he said later to me, if he would have said hey, that was funny, now pick it up) he would have) The guy then punched John in the stomach and then in the head. John, somehow, kept his calm and said "do you think that was a smart thing to do in your position" the guy says "yes" John said "you really think that was a smart idea" the guy said "yes" John asked him to apologize. He said no. John said, you know, if I want, I can go up stairs and talk to (someone) and get you fired, right? the guy says "yes" Johns "is that what you want me to do?" Guy "go ahead." at some point the guy admitted that he has done it before to a subordinate. (this all went on for about 5 minutes and the guy walked away) John went back to his office and called his boss to tell him what happened. They guy thanked him for calling and he'll have to follow up with the guy and the witnesses. ... The blizzard did hit and John was sitting at home with this in his head... worrying if he was going to be fired or what would happen for 3…long…days-nights.
So he had these two things, work and home life stressing him.
Both things, he didn’t know what would happen.
I'll fast forward to tonight.
We went out just me and him.
He had called me before he came over to inform me, while trying to choke back tears, (only the 2nd time I ever heard him get emotional) that they are going to get a divorce.
He picked me up And we went out for burgers and fries.
I let him talk. He told me about the counseling sessions. (in short, that they did everything he wanted) To which I said that it sounded one-sided. That John was to blame for every Thing. I said so she doesn’t think she did anything wrong? He said the only thing she thinks she could have done was stand up for herself more. He said that she even had difficult at work with this too. That she felt that she was being bossed around, doing what everyone else wants her to do but it doesn’t matter if others do what she does. (she follows rules and others don’t) Before the relationship got rocky, John told me that he was telling her that she needs to stand up for herself at work, empowering her. She took it as that he is telling her what to do.
So John has changed. He is cooking, cleaning and yes, even laundry. The first time in his life he’s doing laundry. He is listening to what she has to say. He use to go out and smoke a cigar a few nights a week when she wanted him to watch a movie with her. So trying to change, he stop smoking and encouraging her to watch a movie together when the kids go to sleep. She said that she didn’t want to and went to bed instead.
Even Valentine’s day was horrible. He took her out to a nice restaurant. She said that he’s only doing it cause he is being told to, not cause he wants to. Which is far from the truth but again, he can do no right anymore and he blames it all on himself.
He thinks about the children and how they’ll be growing up. He always wanted to give his children what he never had (good family values) but now he can’t do that. It is killing him.
So he gets the children Tuesday night, Thursday night, Friday night-Saturday day.
His son is starting to ask questions. He maybe only 4 but he wants to know why mama isn’t coming home tonight? Or when will mama come home? For now, he is saying that she’s with friends or she’s with her parents. She is staying with her parents but they live in a 55+ community so she won’t be able to stay there forever.
He says that he will have to sell the house at some point and get an apartment or condo.
He will have to move back to his mother’s for a little bit as they sell the house and get places of their own.
One of the hard things will be holidays. For the last 10 years, he…we? Spent Christmas at her parent’s house. For the last 7 years they have joined my family for our 4th of July week. John and her father shared a birthday party as their birthdays are 2 days apart.
He says that the most difficult thing of all, if someday he sees her with another man and seeing his children spend time with that other man.
“well Jonathan, I was the first to get married. I was the first to have children and now I will be the first to get a divorce and I did it all by 30 years old”
I am the second person to know about all this. His sister, TX Lisa is the 3rd and of course, his mom was the first
I consider myself an amazing friend and tonight, and for the near future, I will have to be the shoulder he leans on and I will do no matter what. Even if I get dragged to a cigar bar for 2 hours and talk about everything-nothing while my clothes, skin, and hair smells like cigar smoke. THAT’S A TRUE BEST FRIEND.
As for the work thing…the other guy got fired. John is on a probation period of 90 days where he has to improve his behavior. (aka not be so sarcastic-funny-be a jerk)
I find it ironic, both work and home life, he has to stop being himself and not be funny, not be sarcastic and stop being a jerk. He has to figure out how to be someone he’s not and someone he’s never been.
He thanked me for going out with him tonight. I just told him “anytime. Keep in touch” |
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Sorry to hear your friend is going through all this....and as always, you are an amazing friend! 
