619 Today is filled with pain 2 14 14
Dear diary, today is more difficult than I thought it would be.
It's been 6 month and 2 days since I last heard her child-like laugh, her sweet words and her angelic voice.
It's been 6 month and 2 days since I felt loved. Since I felt complete, whole, like I had a purpose in life.
It's been 6 months and 2 days since I had a soulmate who we promised each other we would kidnap each other and live our simple life together, happy and pushing-pulling-guiding each other to be better individuals and better soulmates.
19 days short of 10 years knowing each other, growing from bloop buddies, to on line friends, to "real" friends to soulmates who we could say anything to, no matter what.
In all that time, we never had an argument, never even had a disagreement. Never even made the other feel bad.
In each other’s darkest of times we were there for each other, with a listening ear and words of encouragement or love, just knowing we could depend on each other.
Over this time, the previous two years, we realized that it maybe was something more than just a friendship.
We started talking every day on the phone and eventually, it was twice a day.
When she got a job working at a group home, it connected us on even another level, a level which only people who works in the field can understand, and even closer since we both worked in group homes and we could confide about our ups-downs-struggles with an understanding of both empathy and sympathy. Someone that no one else ever had with me before.
I even remember the first time you said to me the magic 3 words. It was October 4th, 2011. I had been saying it to you for a few months and never pressured you. But when you said it to me, your angelic voice saying "I love you" my first reaction was }what?" you giggled and said it again. I was on the 9th cloud. With each passing day after, I let my heart take over. Everything I did you would say was "adorable" and I was like whatever, but you know I liked it just like when you did things or made things and I called you "cute" you brushed it off but I know it made you smile.
Another thing which you could do better than anyone else could, describe things. Using your artistic mind-eyes, you could describe things in ways no one else could using accurate and short, not wordy descriptions. You made this blind man see.
Another thing I loved about you, amongst everything, was your openness to sexual things, like just saying “Mogi scraped my right boob when she was trying to get my attention” or the time she got a mosquito bite right above a nipple and told me about it as if we were talking about fruits or something. I will never forget the time we were talking, just had just got home from work and she said “I’m horny” Talk about a shock to my male system. She was giggling and said “whaaaat” (in the cute way she does )She was very comfortable talking to me about anything-everything and that in turn, made me feel the same. I remember her telling me once that she doesn’t-can’t talk to anyone else the way she does with me because people just don’t get me the way you do. And I feel the same about her.
Eventually came one of the best weekends of my life. The weekend I flew to meet you.
...
Then I sent you a package for your birthday. A sweater for Christmas, a thumb drive filled with music when you had surgery, and flowers for valentine’s day.
you had applied to a few companies in the Boston area for a job. I was looking in your area for jobs and houses,, shocked at how cheap a house is out there. I even looked into a ride service, so I could get around myself.
We had kidded with each other how we were going to kidnap each other and get married in 2015.
Dear diary, I have never said this before to even you but...in my head, I even designed a ring and figured out how much it would cost...hey, I had a lot of time on my hands.
The ring would be a band which had the Celtic love knots, which in the Jewish religion, a circle has a lot of meaning so interlocking circles would be meaningful for both of us. I would then have diamonds set in a butterfly, because I know the symbolism a butterfly holds for you. It would be a bit expensive but money doesn’t matter.
I was so excited when you said I could come visit you in September.
I had the few days planned out roughly and it would have been beautiful.
However, the Wednesday before, your car broke down. It was the beginning of the end. You told me that since you didn’t have a car, you wouldn’t be able to pick me up-drive us around. I was disappointed and sad but knew that I would come again soon.
That Friday when we chatted, it was a fun conversation. I remember you were describing what your parents look like and their personalities. I laughed when you told me how your mom thinks she’s the same height as you and when you are 2 inches taller than her and you continued on when to tell me the conversation between you and your mom when you past her in the bra size. I remember you describing your father and I said “he sounds like Santa Claus” and you laughed and told me some stories about how kids thought he was, especially during Christmas time. You said your parents would love me.
…
On September 12th, you said to me “Jonathan, don’t worry, we will always be friends. I love you.” before hanging up. That was the last time I heard your angelic voice.
You moved on without me, as if I never existed. As if you never knew me and it shattered my heart, set it ablaze and you ignored the ashes.
I saw this quote on someone’s fb today: Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
Unfortunately, love is a 2 way street
Although this entry is just a summary of the entire novel, 10 years 4 month and 14 days, for the last 6 months I have wondered what happened, what I did wrong or could have done differently. Something happened and my heart may never know.
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