Feelings

04/13/2009

I have all sorts of weird feelings, and I don't know how to cope with them, or make them go away.

My daughers' dad and I were together on and off for 4 1/2 years, we started dating when I was 17, and we went through many many cycles of being together for 8 or 9 months, and then breaking up for several months, and then getting back together for 8 or 9 months, breaking up, together, etc etc. All until my 22nd birthday, then I finally broke it off with him for good. His love was great, but sometimes you really need more than just love.

We do not get along, well we do now, but not when we are in a relationship. He has anger issues, I have bitch issues that only seem to be brought on by him. He lied to me about several things, we fought and fought, and the more we tried to work on things and get things back to normal, we realized there would never be a normal, I would always hold a grudge against him for some of the things he's done. Finally it just all piled on and got too much for me to bear, so that's why I ended things for good.
A month later I started dating my current fiance, his mom was one of my professors at the time, and her and I got very close because she would help me out a lot since I had toddler twins at the time, not to mention dealing w/ everything with david (the ex) school was kickin my butt, and she would help me a lot, and we'd often encounter her son. I thought he was very good looking and seemed pretty cool and I added him on facebook one day and we started talking and now we've been together a year and a half, got engaged on our 1 year anniversary.
He is sooo great, I have never felt so right with someone, we get along great, we never fight, and he is so mature and I trust him with my life. He also loves the girls and takes care of them when they're here (which is most of the time, I have full custody, David sees the girls every other weekend and on tuesdays). We just bought a house 6 months ago, and we're getting married next March.

Anyway, just had to give all that before I get into what's bothering me..
Lately I have been having so many dreams about David, and I've been flirting with him a little bit, now I would never ever ever cheat on my fiance, not in a million years, but still my heart somewhat feels as if it belongs to David. Maybe it's just because we have kids together, but lately it has been growing. Maybe I'm just starting to feel bored, like I want some excitement, or scared of committment, I have never been with anyone longer than 9 months, and I've dated a lot of guys, in fact besides David my relationships never lasted longer than 2 months max, and now we're at a year and a half and maybe i'm freaking out a little bit.
Anyway, I have dreams all the time of dave, and if my fiance knew it would kill him, and i sure as hell am not telling anyone else about this, so that's why I'm writing here.
My dreams are always of David and me having sex. It's so bad, and I feel unfaithful in a way, even though I haven't done anything wrong. I should get myself out of the situation, but how the hell do I do that, when I see him 4 times a week? A part of me wants to tell my fiance, so we can figure this out together, but then again a part of me is scared he'll break up with me and then I'll just be so lost, because even though I know I still love David I really do know that it won't ever work between us. And being friends won't work either, I try so hard to be his friend, and is he a good one but he is still completely in love with me and would take me back in a second... so just being platonic friends would have some issues.

Blah, so there's my mind. Now time to remember how to make my diary look less BLAH